Tag: dogs

Christmas & fish head stockings

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Well, it’s Christmas Day.

I wasn’t gonna write a letter to you today because you aren’t at school and you don’t use your lunchbox at home, but then I realized that I needed to write to you today.

The greatest gift you could ever have in your life is me, right? RIGHT? I mean, I am kind of fabulous (by fabulous I mean AWESOME!) and I feel sure these letters from me just make your day. Heck, who knows where you would be without me? You’d probably just be sitting at your stupid lunch table, secretly wishing that you had some tuna.

So, here I am despite this so-called holiday. A holiday! As if! If it’s a holiday then why are so many humans in my house disturbing my nap time? What kind of stupid holiday doesn’t include sleep??? What’s worse, your sister came downstairs EARLY!!!

I was busy all night trying to wreck play with the ornaments and destroy fix the decorations, so I need my sleep! Instead, your sister comes giggling down the stairs and runs to the stocking to see what’s inside. It’s nothing interesting. Seriously, I already checked!

She got some Sailor Moon stickers, bubble gum, a lollipop, coloring pencils, and a video game, but that was it! Not one packet of tuna or fish snacks! I’m not sure why you all get so obsessed with this “Santa” guy anyway. No fish means no care, that’s all I’m sayin’. If he really loved you kids there would have been a fish head or some shrimp in those stockings. Video games and chocolate are lousy gifts!

Mind you, he did give her Hello Kitty bandages. I’m not sure that cat is real (what cat wears clothing???) but at least it is a nod towards my superior species. Your stocking wasn’t any better. Video games, chocolates, and a button that makes fart noises.

Big whoop. If I want to hear fart noises I’ll just listen to the dog. Same difference. Show your mom this letter and tell her that I said Santa is lame. Fish heads are all the rage and should be in everyone’s stockings next year!

By the way  I would like to thank you for the cat treats and the new scratching post (only ‘cuz Trixie says that if I say thank you I will get more gifts). I still plan to use the couch for my daily clawing exercises, but you showed your willingness to spend a lot of money on me. You didn’t spend enough money, but you spent some, and that’s a start.

I will keep that in mind. For now, and for what it’s worth, I sort of kind of sometimes begrudgingly love you and your family, and even this dumb house. I have to. All my stuff is here.

Merry Christmas human!
LuLu

You owe belly rubs & bacon!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

It seems like I am in trouble. Again. Is this going to be a regular Christmas thing?

LuLu kept talking about presents, so I wanted to see if my name was on any of them. I didn’t see any gifts for me on top of the pile in the closet, but there will be some for me on Christmas day, right?

I am right, aren’t I? I mean, I am “Man’s best friend,” although that name is kind of stupid. I’m everyone’s best friend, you know that!

I want to be friends with everybody, you, your brother, your sister, your parents, and anyone who has ham. Or bacon. Or any kind of food, really. Except vegetables. I don’t understand those things. Why go the store to buy cucumbers and carrots when there is perfectly good grass on the lawn? Humans are weird. Or is a social status thing? Strange.

What was I talking about before? OHHHH..gifts!

Okay, so here’s why I’m confused. Again. You and your little brother went up to the closet to check out the gifts with me. You shook them to figure out what was inside and you both made guesses. So I tried to help. I’m nice like that!

I started to rip and chew open the packages for you to help you out! And you got upset!!! COME ON, you weren’t going to figure anything out just by shaking boxes. You don’t have super-sensitive sonar ears like us dogs, you just have regular human kid hearing, and that doesn’t work half the time.

Your mom tells you fifteen times to clean up your room and you don’t hear her until she grabs your i-dog thingy (or is it i-penguin? I never can remember.) The point is, your hearing is useless when trying to discover what is inside a wrapped box.

You need teeth and claws for that! I hate to sound gripey like that cat LuLu, but I really need an apology this time. You yelled when I was trying to help you! I want an apology. Or bacon. Or both. OOH!!! You could apologize while feeding me bacon, followed by a tummy rub! That would be perfect!

I’ll be in the kitchen, waiting!
Jamie

The Cat Demands Presents

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

As you could tell this morning, I am not a happy cat. I examined all of the wrapped presents in your parents’ closet last night. My name was not on one single gift tag!

Why wouldn’t someone want to give a gift to me? I am a beautiful, sweet, always pleasant cat and I demand some gifts! I need a new claw sharpener, a dozen cans of tuna, several live goldfish, and a canary that I shall name “Lunch”. I’d better at least get some catnip!

I’m sure Jamie got into a lot of trouble last night, but I didn’t catch her at it. I fell asleep watching “My Cat from Hell” on TV. Actually, I only like the opening scenes where the cat is acting the way a cat should – biting, hissing, clawing. That garbagey-ending, with all of the purring and rule-following, is ridiculous. Not in MY house!

Seriously, you humans don’t understand us at all, do you? You think some extra playtime and a few treats are gonna make us suddenly follow YOUR rules? As if!

Look, human kiddo person, let’s get this straight. We play nice for the camera. Sure, why not? A few extra treats can make anyone purr! But permanent change! UMMMMM, NO!

If you want a well-behaved, sweet slobbering buddy who is basically a mindless lump, i.e. someone who follows your dumb rules, get a dog. If you want a magnificent creature, a being that is a god in its own right, a benevolent beast that rules your world, get a cat.

Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we claw. That’s life, you evolved monkey! So deal with it!!! Now do as you are told and go get me some presents!!!

I have thrown up in your shoes, and I am not telling you which ones. You’ll find out, eventually…

Your friend,

LuLu

The cats are a menace!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I have not slept (much) all week!!!! I have been trying to patrol the house while your parents were snoring. They are so loud that they would never hear a pirate invasion! I want to keep you & your kibble safe from those pirates everyone is talking about! But I figured it would be safe to nap during the day, right?

Nope. Every time I start to fall asleep LuLu screams, “Pirates” from her perch at the top of the stairs. It is NOT funny! Pirates are serious business! I have my pillows, my blanket, and my stuffed duck. They need protecting!

Yesterday I saw that LuLu was asleep (faker!) so I thought that I could finally get some rest. I had snuggled Ducky and did my sleep-spin-cycle (three times around, and then settle down). Your mom was using her new laptop and your dad was yelling at basketball players on the television (has anyone told him that the players can’t hear him?).

It was a perfect time to rest. I had just started to drift off, and then—AUGH!!!! LuLu yelled, “Pirates” and I jumped up and ran to the living room. SMACK!!! The gate! I forgot about the gate!!!

I smooshed my nose and my eyes got kind of weepy, and I still tried to push through, I had to save us! But that villainous feline started laughing. No; not laughing, cackling. Do you call it cackling when it’s a cat?

Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, Trixie and LuLu dumped a bunch of ornaments on my head! By the way, they are not shatterproof!

Your mom didn’t know what was going on and thought I was chasing the cat (more tempting than ever right now) but I wasn’t. I was trying to defend us! Those stupid cats keep getting in the way!

Look, I understand that your mom has this weird thing about how I use the Christmas tree (clearly she is confused about the indoor-toilet issue), but the gates are hurting my face and my work! How can I keep you guys safe when I can’t run to the door?

The other day that weird guy came to fix the internet and they just let him in! They didn’t sniff him, or jump on him, or lick him, or anything! And that guy was obviously shady!

How can you fix the internet when you don’t have a net with you? You and your parents need me, and you have GOT to let me do my job!!!

PLEASE talk to your mom! I can’t, so someone has to!!!

Stay safe!
Jamie

The dog has GOT to go!!!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

WHAT IN THE NAME OF CAT TREATS IS GOING ON???

Why is Jamie bow-wowsing and barking on about pirates in our neighborhood? Pirates are at the beach, everyone knows that! Jamie is digging up the back yard and running from window to window every time she hears a truck. This is madness!

All last night, during my play time, Jamie kept pacing around the house, sniffing at doors and windows over, and over, and over again. Trixie and I ALWAYS do our best play after midnight. Nothing beats the sound of fresh glasses being swatted off the counter, breaking up the quiet of the night.

And the tree, the tree! If you climb it just right, and put your weight against the top branches, it will tump right over. Those so-called shatterproof ornaments never survive!

The noises made by the ornaments are nothing compared to the sounds your parents make when they find our Christmas tree art installation scattered across the floor. It’s even better if they step on the pieces!

So anyway, I was so bothered by that stupid dog and her obnoxious nighttime patrols that I thought about getting a ride back to my foster home. Then I realized that if anyone should leave it should be Jamie! My stuff is here, she’s the one causing issues!

She should take Babbie, that other ridiculous dog, the Jack Russel terrorist, with her! How would you feel about a dog-free zone? Personally, I think it is a great idea! Let’s work on this together, shall we???

While you get rid of the dumbo-dogs, I am going to go fix myself a snack. Your mom got me some pouches of tuna that are easy to chomp through.

She put them in the regular kitchen cabinet instead of by my food bowl, but no worries! I can get that cabinet open any time I want!

You get rid of the dogs, I’ll get rid of the tuna!
LuLu

About the tree…

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I am a bit confused. I know that does not seem unusual, but seriously, you have GOT to help me out. When I go outside and lift my leg on a tree you call me a “good dog”. When I lift my leg on that new tree in the living room I hear your mom yell, “Jamie, NO!” in that super scary voice of hers.

WHAT IS THE DEAL??? Tree=toilet! Everyone knows that!

Usually when I grab a stuffed toy from my basket everyone laughs and plays with me. But when I chomped on one of those weird stuffed angel-dealy-bobs on the table, everyone freaked out! IT IS A TOY!!!

Wow–I never thought that I would get mean and shouty like LuLu, but I am upset! I want to be your best friend! I want to play with the new toys! I need a lap and a cuddle!

Why can’t I play with the new toys your mom put out? Why does she keep yelling Christmas? Those are SOCKS hanging on the mantle! Socks are for tug-of-war!

I think you need to take your mom to the vet. She seems really agitated. I mean, I get not wanting to share some toys, but why won’t she share the chocolate with me? She put out all that candy and passed it around to everyone at the table. Everyone but me. Sheesh.

Is Christmas an anti-dog holiday? If so, it needs to be cancelled. The way everyone is running around putting socks on the fireplace and hiding stuff in shopping bags, it does not seem like something with which anyone wants to be involved.

I am confused and concerned, but mostly just concerned. Maybe you could get your mom a de-worming pill? That’s what the doctor gave me to feel better, and it worked! OOOH! Maybe change her food! Dry kibble and plain chicken broth always helps! She’ll thank you for it!

I love you even though you won’t share your chocolate,

Jamie

Monstery-thingy mom

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

Dear Olivia,

I am so confused right now!!! I was trying to type a letter to your mom to warn her about LuLu stealing her identity and ordering lots of tuna fish, and I got in trouble! ME!!!

I never get into trouble! The cats dumped water all over the laptop and then pretended to be asleep when your mom came into the room. The spray bottle was next to my paws, so your mom thought I had done it!!! Did you know that your mom looks scary when she gets mad? I mean super-scary!!!

I saw something like it once before. You were watching this weird movie. It must have been a good movie because you spilled half of your popcorn on the floor. You may not have noticed because I cleaned it up for you (you’re welcome!) This big monstery-creature was stomping all over a city and making people scream.

That’s what it was like when your mom got mad. She was stomping all over everything and her face was all red and splotchy. She used some words I am pretty sure your grandmother wouldn’t like while she kept yelling that I had ruined her laptop.

It was NOT a good day after that.

Still, I guess your mom loves me anyway. She was mad, but she kept saying that I was lucky that I am cute. Thank goodness! I am kind of gorgeous, aren’t I?

Plus, whenever I want to play, I chomp down on one of her socks, she says, “Jamie, No!” but she also laughs and gets one of my toys so we can play, so clearly she adores me. It is kind of cool around here, isn’t it? What were we talking about? I think it was important, but I can’t remember.


OH—FISH! Yeah, I don’t like fish. Tuna is okay, but I would rather have some chicken or some turkey. Thanksgiving is almost here. You know, if you happen to spill food again, I wouldn’t mind helping out. Just saying!

I need a snack! Hope school is okay! Save me some jerky treats from your lunch!
Jamie

NO! Bad dog!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

December 1, 2006

Dear Ethan,

It has come to my attention that your silly dog Jamie is trying to type to your sister to tell fibs about me. I’m not surprised; everyone knows that dogs are attention-seekers who would do tricks for a slice of cheese.

I have NEVER descended to that low of a level. If I want fish or other yummy treats I just take them off of your plate like a proper cat. Dogs are dumb, am I right?

Anyway, I know that Jamie is going to tell your sister stories to make me look bad. Do not believe anything she says. You and I both know she isn’t that bright–for goodness sake, she chases her own tail!!!

I tried to stop Jamie from using your mom’s laptop. I tried to use the water-spray bottle, but I couldn’t get my paws around the squirt handle to make it spray. Trixie helped me open the bottle and we dumped the water all over her. She ran away and it was AWESOME!

Side note: Your mom needs a new laptop. No reason.

Also, apparently someone, I’m thinking Jamie, ordered a fresh seafood delivery that’s coming this weekend. Did you know your mom stores her credit card information on her computer? That’s the rumor I hear!

That’s all for now. I just want to make all of this very clear: the dog is typing I told her no, but I don’t trust her. You really shouldn’t trust her either. Remember the last time the plumber came to the house? She licked him!!! What kind of guard dog is THAT?

At least I scratched him when he tried to baby talk me! So which of us is better for the family–the one who greets burglars, or the one who defends family honor????

I have to go wait for the fish delivery. Fresh tuna is a lot cheaper than I thought!

Cheers!
LuLu

The Cat is Learning to Type

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

November 29, 2006

Dear Ethan,

 I’ve wanted to write to you for a while, but it’s been almost impossible. It is very hard for me to use a pencil. Both times I’ve tried I accidentally stabbed myself in the eye.

Fortunately, I discovered by accident that it is very easy for me to type. It takes me a great deal of time. I have to pick out one letter at a time with my claws, but it is worth it to know that I can finally communicate with you.

I’m not a tattle tale, but I’ve wanted to let you know for a while that every day when you leave for school your dog goes upstairs and plays with all of your stuff. Sometimes Jamie also tries to buy dog toys and raw steaks on the internet.

I tried to take pictures so you’d have some proof, but I had trouble working the camera. Darn these paws! Just remember to hide your money, your candy, and your trains before you go to school.

YOUR DOG CAN NOT BE TRUSTED!

Your feline friend,

LuLu

The Dog is Scared

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon.

December 1, 2006

Dear Olivia,

LuLu is up to something—I just know it!

I’ve seen her and her little cat gang typing letters to your brother the last few days. They’re talking about me! I’m not being paranoid—I’m not even sure what that word means!  

I can tell that they’re planning something big, because whenever I’m around they go all quiet. LuLu hops down from the keyboard and chases me out of the kitchen. It could be a dognapping plot! You must help me!


If you will not help me, at least share your dinner tonight so I can die happy!

Your loyal friend,

Jamie