Tag: cats

Sitters & vomitrocious meals begone!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear redunculous human children!

How DARE your parents go out of town and leave that hideous beast you call a “sitter” with us?

That human is obnoxious, malicious, and other -iciousy words that I will use as soon as I look them up!

First, this bizarre creature who wears the equivalent of a floral shower curtain and has pink sponges in her hair sits on MY couch all day. Worse—she lets the pest-hounds jump up on the couch to “cuddle with momma”!

Blech! I just had a hairball in my mouth!

Firstly, she is certainly NOT their momma!

Although, to be fair, I have heard that humans sometimes call each other a b- word that means female dog. Maybe she’s calling herself one of those?

Secondly, she baby-talks the dogs AND us cats!!! Are you KIDDING me? Does this horrific human not understand that cats are superior beings that dominate the lowly humans assigned to serve them?

My vocabulary is better than YOURS, is it MY fault that you never got a proper education and learned to speak cat?

Most importantly, she has not cooked fish ONCE this week! How am I supposed to survive off of just my regular cat food and a few treats here and there? She made a “healthy” dinner salad and some sort of tofu-thingy. Tofu is some sort of bean nonsense! AS IF ANY OF THAT IS HEALTHY!

THAT vomitrocious-meal is rabbit food on a fancy plate. Come to think of it, you used to feed stuff like that to your hamster Huey. I do NOT eat rodent food—I eat rodents!

I had originally planned to give you more of my incredible wisdom today, but I am too furious to bless you the wondrousness that is the I that I am when I am myself.

I should warn you that this insult to my cathood will not be taken lightly.

Prepare to be humiliated and destroyed like a cheaply made catnip toy.

You, your parents, and their knick-knacks will regret this!!!

GET. ME. FISH. NOW!

Kindly yours,

LuLu Cat

Take life by the claws!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I, LuLu, the world’s most supreme calico cat, have decided that I will take over all letter-writing from this day forward, unless my nap time gets in the way. Perhaps, on rare occasions, I will allow the pest-hounds to type some brief missive. Perhaps.

It occurred to me that the house-hounds were using the lunchbox letters to pass on wishy-washy canine philosophies like “love one another” and “sniffing butts makes fast friends.” Worse, sometimes your parents, who have clearly been brainwashed by those hellish fiends they call “pets”, say similar things!

The other day, when your big sister said something stupid (claiming she didn’t “want” tuna for dinner—NOT possible!) instead of nipping at her or clawing her your mom took a deep breath and talked to her calmy. RIDICULOUS!

When a kitten acts out or is obnoxious you give it a nip and a swipe. THAT’S how you teach a kitten manners! Obviously your parents have given the dogs have wayyyyy too much control in this house, MY house. This must end.

So, for today, I am going to gift you human-kittens with some of my wonderful knowledge.

The world is a difficult place. It is scary and can be challenging, even for the best of us.

Some fools will want you to nap less and work more, but you will have your whole lives to work! You will have less time to nap, so nap as if your happiness depends on it, because it does!

They will tell you to stop eating when you feel full, when it is much easier to eat as much as you want, throw it up, and then eat more! There may not be food on the morrow, or (even worse!), the veterinarian may want you to eat more “healthy” food (blech!) You should munch on those extra giblets while you can!

The trick to enjoying life is to ENJOY it! Stop worrying about what others say or if you fit in. Fitting in means you go along with what all the other cats want, not what you want. PUH-LEASE! You’ll never find your purr that way!

You be the best cat human-kitten you can be and nap, eat, and chase a laser once in a while! If a crunchy bug crosses your path, play with it for a while and then eat it. That’s how you enjoy every moment!

Cats have nine lives, but you silly humans only get one, so you don’t want to be miserable!

Lick those paws and get out there! Swipe it, gripe it, or bite it; so long as you show that YOU are the only one in control of YOU then you will find your life filled with more catnip and crunch treats than you ever thought possible!

Your new mental Professor-Cat-Guru,

LuLu Cat

Focus on the right things!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan,

I know that my letters are supposed to help you eat your lunch and be happy, but I also know that you must be sad today.

I kind of feel like I need to talk to you about it.

Cats like myself are very wise, and often humans don’t listen. I hope you do.

I am sorry that your cousin died from this virus-thingy. It makes your mom and dad kind of quiet and thoughtful. I like the quiet part.

It also makes them cry because she was their age and because there were so many other people that are sad now because they loved her. It disturbs my napping, which is NOT okay!

You humans are so focused on what your mom calls the tragedy that you’re looking at the wrong thing.

Your cousin was a rare human, one I actually liked.

Everyone is talking about the virus that took her, but that’s stupid. They should talk about HER instead!

She had long hair, perfect for catching your claws in, and she had a smile that made other people smile, even when they were hurting.

For a human she was pretty decent, being a nurse and all. She saved a lot of lives just by saving their spirits.

Normally I don’t approve of humans, but she was a good one.

She tried really hard to help lost pets find their homes. Okay, most of them were dumb dogs, but no one is perfect.

Plus, who wants a pack of stupid dogs running loose in the neighborhood? Not me!

Come to think of it, she was super smart. I bet she helped lost dogs get home so that they couldn’t make more dogs and annoy us cats. That would make a lot of sense!

She was almost (almost!) as noble as us cats.

Sure, she did a lot of nursey-stuff, cared for babies, blah-blah-blah, but the most important thing is that she made people smile all the time, even when she didn’t feel like smiling for herself. It was kind of creepy in a good way.

Seriously, what kind of human has so much happy in them that they can just give it to others?

And after sharing smiles all day she volunteered helping lost pets to find their homes.

That makes her some kind of a hero, am I right?

You’re gonna be sad because she died of this covert-thing. I get it! But it would really help if everyone stopped talking about the covert and started talking about her instead.

It hurts for me to be nice about a human because, well, she’s human, but she was almost as awesome as a cat. Almost!

You were lucky to know her, even just for a few minutes. And if anyone would want you to smile, it would be her!

PS I’m still swiping you later, I’m done being nice for the day!
LuLu Cat

This is MY house!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan,

I. HATE. PEOPLE. They’re too…people-y.

Who gave your parents permission to have all of those imbeciles in MY house???

Do NOT give me this garbage about them being your aunts and uncles, blah, blah, blah! Who cares?

It is MY tail that got stepped on, and MY naps that got disturbed, and MY furniture they were grossing-up with their hideous human scent! Your uncles are noxious gas-factories whose farts make the paint peel off the walls and they were on MY couch!


LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR:

YOUR HOUSE IS NOT YOUR HOUSE. IT BELONGS TO ME.

I LET you live here! I LET you pretend that you and your parents are in charge, but I am only pretending.

When I stretch out my claws, everyone backs away. As they should!

Who do you think you are, inviting MORE people over? I do not care that there was a wedding, I do not care that everyone wanted to “visit!”

I DO care that my dinner was LATE! LATE!!!!!


I was going to share some of my freshly caught vole with you, but now I am going to keep it all for myself! Take THAT baby kitten!


I will be scratching you soon. You have been warned!


Bring me an offering of fish and I might let you and your curtains live. We’ll see!
LuLu Cat

(The one in charge of this dump!)

Babies=science experiments!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I really do NOT have time for you people! The dog is writing your sister letters about poop (lunchbox letters! To read while she’s EATING!) and NOW I have to put up with a baby in the house. This is NOT how my home is supposed to be run!

Baby humans have no point. They serve absolutely no purpose. Well, they do have nice, soft, cuddly blankets, and sometimes they share their milk bottles, but otherwise—NO THANK YOU! They pull tails, drool on you, sit on you—baby humans are sort of like pesty dogs, aren’t they?

The dogs are mad because of the whole poop-pants thing, but they are so wrong! Babies are gross all over!

They slobber and spit and urp and burp. They cry, the giggle, they gurgle, and they blast. They’re just chronic, stinky noise machines!

But that isn’t the problem, the problem is how adults change when babies are around. Adult humans forget the world exists! It’s all about talking to the baby, walking with the baby, burping the baby, and changing the baby’s skin-taped portable litter box (that it SLEEPS in–ewww).

The fountains of milky white spit and brown and green lava that came out of both ends of that baby that was here last week were disgusting. That kid was a crawling science experiment!

I can’t agree with the dogs because I have a reputation to protect, but I can admit that the dogs are less stupid than usual.

Babies are gross. Humans love and worship cats until the babies show up and then the adults forget we exist. I blame the media. It’s all the “cat-stealing-baby’s-breath” superstitious nonsense.

The joke is on all adult humans. Well, once the kid urp, burps, or squirts, it will be.

Serves all of you right!
LuLu Cat

Furniture stealing creep!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I am MAD! HISSING, SPITTING, MAD!!! I’m so mad that when I am done typing I am going to claw up EVRYTHING in this whole house!

How DARE you let your parents change the furniture! Who do you think you people are??? The phrase FUR-niture is your first and only hint. It belongs to animals, more specifically, ME.

You took my comfy chair, my purr-fect couch, and my ottoman. WHY??? Because of a few scratches? Because the fluff stuff was coming out???

THAT is what made that furniture interesting! Once I had properly marked all of it and put my special decorative touches on it those pieces finally looked INTERESTING! They were comfortable!

Think about it: when your parents first bought the couch it was all, “Don’t eat on the couch!” and, “Don’t put your shoes on the couch!” and “Who spilled something?” They were CRAZY!

Once I added my special finesse and made the couch unique, they didn’t care anymore! You could finally enjoy it!

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU let them remove it and buy some new yucky stuff that does not feel right to my claws AT ALL.

WORSE, you let them put that dumb spray on it, the stuff I don’t like! It won’t keep me away forever, and when I DO get to the new couch, your mom is NOT gonna like it!

PAYBACK Baby Kitten!

I’m not saying sincerely or anything at the end of this. You’ll find my closing after I hack it up in your shoes. ALL OF THEM.

Furniture-stealing creep!
Unkind regards,

Rat power rules the school!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Dogs are GROSS! I cannot believe your dog sent Olivia a letter to telling her to smell everyone’s pee when she gets to middle school!

EWWWWWWWWWW

I know she’s your big sister and always tries to protect you and stuff, but this time I think that you need to protect her. Protect her from the dog’s dumb advice!

Pee does not make you popular. RATS. Rats make you popular!

Look baby kitten, when I march through the house with a dead rodent on my mouth, who do YOU think is in charge? Your mom? Nope. Your dad? Nope? Your sisters? Definitely nope!

Everyone screams and jumps up and down. Why? Because they’re cowards! I’m the one who chases the rats, the lizards, and the bugs that try to invade the house.

The dogs bark at the invaders. Big deal! They don’t actually do anything. Nope. It’s all me, baby!

If I didn’t chase and catch the critters, your house would be infested. That’s why everyone screams. They’re helpless without me!

That’s why showing everyone you can catch a rat is the ONLY way to be cool in middle school.

Tell your sister that on the very first day of middle school she has to walk through those school doors with a big, fat, juice-oozing rat in between her teeth. Make sure she turns her head so that everyone up and down every hallway can see her.

Once she hears the screaming start she will KNOW that she has been noticed. They will talk about her for years! Now THAT’S how you get to be cool in middle school!

There is an ancient cat saying, “They who control the rats control the humans.”

Remember to be cool in school use Rat Power, baby kitten! You are welcome!

LuLu-the Coolio—Calico Cat

Cars are bad!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Why in the name of Garfield does Jamie want traffic? She’s been blathering on about wanting a car and traffic and flopping ears. She thinks that a car is a happy thing!

Cars are a menace! Every time I have been in the car, it has only brought me pain. Cars only go to one place—the vet! Do you want to get shots or have bubble wands put up your backside? Does that sound like fun to you???

And let’s talk about the journey itself—pure torture! Your mom & dad put me in this stupid “carrier” like I don’t know how to walk, then they seatbelt it in like I’m some sort of infant. Insulting!

Then, after completely humiliating me, they start to drive. THAT is where the traffic shows up.

People honk and screech at each other. Plus, your mom plays those horrible songs on the radio (seriously, are they strangling rabbits? What the heck are those sounds anyway? Nothing is relaxing about those songs I don’t care WHAT your mom says!)

Then, because there is so much cruelty in the world, the trip gets worse. Your mom starts to sing with the songs. Oh, sweet Tom & Jerry, make it stop!!!

There are certain sounds only cats and dogs can hear. There are also certain sounds cats and dogs should NEVER hear. Your mom’s singing is one of them!

The point of this particular letter is to tell you that no matter what that doofus dumbo dog tells you, cars are bad. If you get a car, then you get vet visits and terrifying traffic. It’s not worth it.

Stay home and nap instead!
Your friend,

LuLu Cat

The secret to life is keeping me happy

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Since I’m not supposed to start with “the dog is an idiot” anymore (even though it’s true!) I will start with this: don’t get your life advice from a dumb dog who, by the way, happens to be an idiot. Hah!

Life is not–no disrespect to your mom–a game of Tetris. It is not about fitting together the happy and sad so that you concentrate more on the happy. Sheesh! She has GOT to stop watching television, it’s increasing her dumbness!

Life is about fish and naps and having more yarn than the other cats. No one cares about happy or sad because there is no sad when you have fish. DUH.

The problem is that your family has what some call “special needs” and you know a lot of families with “special needs” so you hear more bad stuff than good stuff. You hear a lot about people dying or going to the doctor or being unhappy. But you have to ignore all of that.

Bad stuff, heck, bad DAYS are gonna happen if you’re a human. You do it to yourselves really. You worry about bills and events and automobiles. WHY???


Do you know what an automobile is? It’s a death trap. Seriously. It either runs over us cats or it takes us to the vets. That thing they stick inside your tush when you’re at the vet is NOT a bubble wand! And they put needles in you. Yikes! Needles are bad, automobiles are bad, and….

Wait. Automobiles are how your mom gets to the store to buy my treats. She also uses one to buy seafood, and I love all the seafood I see! She also buys my cat litter using her automobile. A clean litterbox is VERY important for ALL of us. Seriously.

Okay, automobiles aren’t so bad, but they aren’t so good either. And comparing your automobile to someone else’s won’t make you happy, it will only upset you. Humans should be happy for any automobile they have because then they have a way to buy fresh fish and clean cat litter.

THAT is what life is about–keeping your cat happy.

Our happiness should be your happiness, because if we are unhappy we will make sure that you’re unhappy too. Usually at 3a.m., so watch it.

Since I am not supposed to start letters with a certain phrase anymore, I can end it that way. The dog is an idiot.

Whatever,
LuLu

Even cats ask for (demand) help!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your poor dumb dog Jamie is trying to understand stigmas and mental illness. Sigh…I think we should get your dog earmuffs as she keeps hearing about stuff she doesn’t understand.

I NEED to nap; I do NOT have all day to answer her dumb questions!!!

I tried to explain it to her: stigma is like a stereotype of a reputation. It’s usually the way someone thinks about someone else when they don’t have all the information.

Like, cats are stigmatized because everyone assumes we are lazy since we like to sleep. What non-felines don’t understand is that even when we are sleeping, our minds are plotting against you active and awake. Duh.

People who have a mental illness deal with the same kind of stigma (well, I guess it’s worse because no one gives them any fish). Basically, they get a bad reputation.

It’s because other people don’t understand them or they get afraid. It’s stupid, really.

Humans are meaner to other humans, even meaner than they are to animals.

Do I make fun of you just because you have to wear glasses? Nope. The glasses help you tell which food is mine and which food is the dog’s food. That is VERY important.

Do I make fun of your mom just because she is deaf in one ear? Heck no! She may have to ask somebody to repeat something, but she makes a point to show that she considers the other person important. She doesn’t just ignore that somebody said something (although she would be happier if she did!)

If someone needs medication or one of those therapist-people, then so what??? It takes a lot of fur to ask for help. More humans should respect that.

Do I hesitate to ask for your mom to work the can opener and get that tuna can open? No, I do not! I swipe at her to get her to hurry up! And if a human has a breakdown or needs a little extra something-something to do what needs to be done, then other humans should encourage them and help them to keep going. That’s how it should be.

This whole stigma-thing is a scam to make humans hate each other. Don’t you believe it! Don’t go with the stigma-hate thing. Stick with the adore-cats-as-gods thing instead, and we’ll all be much happier!

Tuna out!
LuLu