Tag: cats and dogs

Focus on the right things!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan,

I know that my letters are supposed to help you eat your lunch and be happy, but I also know that you must be sad today.

I kind of feel like I need to talk to you about it.

Cats like myself are very wise, and often humans don’t listen. I hope you do.

I am sorry that your cousin died from this virus-thingy. It makes your mom and dad kind of quiet and thoughtful. I like the quiet part.

It also makes them cry because she was their age and because there were so many other people that are sad now because they loved her. It disturbs my napping, which is NOT okay!

You humans are so focused on what your mom calls the tragedy that you’re looking at the wrong thing.

Your cousin was a rare human, one I actually liked.

Everyone is talking about the virus that took her, but that’s stupid. They should talk about HER instead!

She had long hair, perfect for catching your claws in, and she had a smile that made other people smile, even when they were hurting.

For a human she was pretty decent, being a nurse and all. She saved a lot of lives just by saving their spirits.

Normally I don’t approve of humans, but she was a good one.

She tried really hard to help lost pets find their homes. Okay, most of them were dumb dogs, but no one is perfect.

Plus, who wants a pack of stupid dogs running loose in the neighborhood? Not me!

Come to think of it, she was super smart. I bet she helped lost dogs get home so that they couldn’t make more dogs and annoy us cats. That would make a lot of sense!

She was almost (almost!) as noble as us cats.

Sure, she did a lot of nursey-stuff, cared for babies, blah-blah-blah, but the most important thing is that she made people smile all the time, even when she didn’t feel like smiling for herself. It was kind of creepy in a good way.

Seriously, what kind of human has so much happy in them that they can just give it to others?

And after sharing smiles all day she volunteered helping lost pets to find their homes.

That makes her some kind of a hero, am I right?

You’re gonna be sad because she died of this covert-thing. I get it! But it would really help if everyone stopped talking about the covert and started talking about her instead.

It hurts for me to be nice about a human because, well, she’s human, but she was almost as awesome as a cat. Almost!

You were lucky to know her, even just for a few minutes. And if anyone would want you to smile, it would be her!

PS I’m still swiping you later, I’m done being nice for the day!
LuLu Cat

This is MY house!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan,

I. HATE. PEOPLE. They’re too…people-y.

Who gave your parents permission to have all of those imbeciles in MY house???

Do NOT give me this garbage about them being your aunts and uncles, blah, blah, blah! Who cares?

It is MY tail that got stepped on, and MY naps that got disturbed, and MY furniture they were grossing-up with their hideous human scent! Your uncles are noxious gas-factories whose farts make the paint peel off the walls and they were on MY couch!


LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR:

YOUR HOUSE IS NOT YOUR HOUSE. IT BELONGS TO ME.

I LET you live here! I LET you pretend that you and your parents are in charge, but I am only pretending.

When I stretch out my claws, everyone backs away. As they should!

Who do you think you are, inviting MORE people over? I do not care that there was a wedding, I do not care that everyone wanted to “visit!”

I DO care that my dinner was LATE! LATE!!!!!


I was going to share some of my freshly caught vole with you, but now I am going to keep it all for myself! Take THAT baby kitten!


I will be scratching you soon. You have been warned!


Bring me an offering of fish and I might let you and your curtains live. We’ll see!
LuLu Cat

(The one in charge of this dump!)

REAL family loves your smells!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Olivia,

I can’t decide if I’m happy or sad today. It was very exciting having your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins come to visit, but it was kind of exhausting too.

How come family makes everyone mad, sad, and glad all at once?

Your mom said she was happy to see them, but she looked happy when they left too! How does that make any sense?

Before your crazy-loud relatives got here, your mom and dad were running around like cats who fell in a full bathtub! They were cleaning stuff and fixing switches—ALL of my favorite smells are gone!

Your mom cooked a lot more than usual (that part was nice!), but she didn’t drop food for me like she usually does. I didn’t like that part at all!

She washed every blanket and every cushion and then made me stay off of them. I like clean stuff too!!!

I’d take out all my toys to play with them, and she would pick them up and put them in a basket. What gives???

Then, before everybody arrived, she ran into the bathroom, put that silly paint stuff on her face, and changed into a fancy dress. She looked a lot less comfortable than she did in her yoga pants!

Shouldn’t family love you the way you are? Shouldn’t your smells and your toys and your treats be important to them? Shouldn’t they understand that you need some room on the couch?

Is it any wonder I got a little gassy when I got a little excited with everyone here? They acted like my farts smelled bad, but, for the record, your aunt’s perfume smelled like someone rolled a skunk in roses! I know my smells, and that perfume she kept spraying had skunk in it for sure!

It was nice to get extra belly rubs and more people to play with, but it was wrong to pretend the house is always clean. It’s never clean, and I like it that way!

Now that they’re gone, will you please drop some food for me?
Love from your REAL family,
Jamie

Babies=science experiments!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I really do NOT have time for you people! The dog is writing your sister letters about poop (lunchbox letters! To read while she’s EATING!) and NOW I have to put up with a baby in the house. This is NOT how my home is supposed to be run!

Baby humans have no point. They serve absolutely no purpose. Well, they do have nice, soft, cuddly blankets, and sometimes they share their milk bottles, but otherwise—NO THANK YOU! They pull tails, drool on you, sit on you—baby humans are sort of like pesty dogs, aren’t they?

The dogs are mad because of the whole poop-pants thing, but they are so wrong! Babies are gross all over!

They slobber and spit and urp and burp. They cry, the giggle, they gurgle, and they blast. They’re just chronic, stinky noise machines!

But that isn’t the problem, the problem is how adults change when babies are around. Adult humans forget the world exists! It’s all about talking to the baby, walking with the baby, burping the baby, and changing the baby’s skin-taped portable litter box (that it SLEEPS in–ewww).

The fountains of milky white spit and brown and green lava that came out of both ends of that baby that was here last week were disgusting. That kid was a crawling science experiment!

I can’t agree with the dogs because I have a reputation to protect, but I can admit that the dogs are less stupid than usual.

Babies are gross. Humans love and worship cats until the babies show up and then the adults forget we exist. I blame the media. It’s all the “cat-stealing-baby’s-breath” superstitious nonsense.

The joke is on all adult humans. Well, once the kid urp, burps, or squirts, it will be.

Serves all of you right!
LuLu Cat

Poop happens, WHERE matters!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I think the cats are upset. AGAIN.

This time I kind of understand, because it reminds me that your parents are those hippo-thingys that the cat calls them. Hippo-mitts? Hippos-creeks? Something fancy that means they say one thing but act another way.

See, I’m not dumb, I learn the stuffs!

Your mom’s friend came to stay and brought her new baby. When the baby came over it seemed okay at first. She dropped food. A LOT. That was awesome!

The baby human seemed kind of sweet and stared at me a bunch. She reached out and giggled when I licked her baby paw. Then it happened. She pooped.

Now, if any of us pets pee or poop in the house your mom gets mad. Your mom growls and fusses the whole time she cleans up. But do you think she growled and grumbled when she cleaned the baby? NOPE!

When your mom cleaned the baby human it was all coochy-coo and silly words and “let’s get you all freshened up!”

HELLO—where was that voice when I had an accident? Babies pee and poop wherever they want and the adults act like it’s okay. Seriously!

She acted like what the baby did was a good thing. UGH!

Look, from time to time I might roll in poop. Sure, I might even pee on something to send a message to the other dogs in the neighborhood. And once in a while I might try to grab a bite from the litter box.

But the baby was WEARING a pant full of poo! Your mom called it a diaper, but it’s the SAME thing! Totally disgusting, but your mom didn’t even care!

Plus, babies take up ALL the adults’ attention! Think about it–when was the last time your mom and dad helped you with bath time? You’re in the fourth grade, but you still take baths.  I’ve seen you do it.

Do they hold you up in the water and give you toys and tell you to splash? No! They never scrub your butt for you or anything, all because you got older!

Okay, the baby-food-dropping thing is nice, but otherwise your parents are just big old hippo-people, and I don’t appreciate that I can’t poop in the house but babies can. It’s not fair!

I love you, but you gotta talk to your mom about this!
Jamie (your favorite and only Spaniel)

Furniture stealing creep!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I am MAD! HISSING, SPITTING, MAD!!! I’m so mad that when I am done typing I am going to claw up EVRYTHING in this whole house!

How DARE you let your parents change the furniture! Who do you think you people are??? The phrase FUR-niture is your first and only hint. It belongs to animals, more specifically, ME.

You took my comfy chair, my purr-fect couch, and my ottoman. WHY??? Because of a few scratches? Because the fluff stuff was coming out???

THAT is what made that furniture interesting! Once I had properly marked all of it and put my special decorative touches on it those pieces finally looked INTERESTING! They were comfortable!

Think about it: when your parents first bought the couch it was all, “Don’t eat on the couch!” and, “Don’t put your shoes on the couch!” and “Who spilled something?” They were CRAZY!

Once I added my special finesse and made the couch unique, they didn’t care anymore! You could finally enjoy it!

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU let them remove it and buy some new yucky stuff that does not feel right to my claws AT ALL.

WORSE, you let them put that dumb spray on it, the stuff I don’t like! It won’t keep me away forever, and when I DO get to the new couch, your mom is NOT gonna like it!

PAYBACK Baby Kitten!

I’m not saying sincerely or anything at the end of this. You’ll find my closing after I hack it up in your shoes. ALL OF THEM.

Furniture-stealing creep!
Unkind regards,

Are clothes a drug?

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why are humans so weird about clothes? Why aren’t they proud of their fur? They pluck their fur, wax their fur, and shave their fur! Why not just let the fur grow longer? Then you wouldn’t have to wear clothes at all!

Your mom gets CRAZY over clothing! She has you wear different clothes for school, different clothes for bed, different clothes for play, different clothes if your grandparents are coming, and different clothes for the beach. It’s too much!

You spend so much time changing clothes that you barely get to spend time with me! It’s not fair, I already have to share you and your brother with school, why can’t you just wear your own fur and be done with it?

Before you say I’m wrong, I’m not! Your mom spent HOURS cleaning out her closet. She put a bunch of stuff in donate bags, looked at the empty(ish) closet and said it looked better. THEN she went and bought MORE CLOTHES! It doesn’t make any sense!

Clothes and shoes are taking over our house! There’s shoes on the stairs, shoes in the living room, shoes by the back door, and even shoes under the dining table where I store my tennis balls! When I tried to help your mom get rid of these crazy shoe-rabbits by eating your mom’s tennis shoes the other night she got upset!

How does that make any sense? How is her “favorite pair” any different than the ones she put in the donate bag?

OOH! Do you think your mom has an addiction? Is this an issue and you just didn’t want to tell me?

I saw something about addiction when your mom and dad were watching television. Every time the person quit their drugs they still went back and got more. Are clothes a drug?

WAIT! Am I on drugs? Your mom has to give me thunder chews every time a storm is coming, and I take a heartworm medicine every month. And I get excited ‘cuz they’re like extra treats and they make me feel good! Am I addicted too?

I don’t want to be addicted! I don’t want to wear clothes! I love my fur! This is not good at all!

Come home soon, and bring bacon!
Jamie

Rat power rules the school!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Dogs are GROSS! I cannot believe your dog sent Olivia a letter to telling her to smell everyone’s pee when she gets to middle school!

EWWWWWWWWWW

I know she’s your big sister and always tries to protect you and stuff, but this time I think that you need to protect her. Protect her from the dog’s dumb advice!

Pee does not make you popular. RATS. Rats make you popular!

Look baby kitten, when I march through the house with a dead rodent on my mouth, who do YOU think is in charge? Your mom? Nope. Your dad? Nope? Your sisters? Definitely nope!

Everyone screams and jumps up and down. Why? Because they’re cowards! I’m the one who chases the rats, the lizards, and the bugs that try to invade the house.

The dogs bark at the invaders. Big deal! They don’t actually do anything. Nope. It’s all me, baby!

If I didn’t chase and catch the critters, your house would be infested. That’s why everyone screams. They’re helpless without me!

That’s why showing everyone you can catch a rat is the ONLY way to be cool in middle school.

Tell your sister that on the very first day of middle school she has to walk through those school doors with a big, fat, juice-oozing rat in between her teeth. Make sure she turns her head so that everyone up and down every hallway can see her.

Once she hears the screaming start she will KNOW that she has been noticed. They will talk about her for years! Now THAT’S how you get to be cool in middle school!

There is an ancient cat saying, “They who control the rats control the humans.”

Remember to be cool in school use Rat Power, baby kitten! You are welcome!

LuLu-the Coolio—Calico Cat

Popularity comes from Pee-mail!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I was gonna tell you that I’m too tired to type today, but I’d have to type that to tell you, wouldn’t I? All these past few weeks I have typed letters using my dog paws—it’s not easy! But you never type a letter to me. Sure, you talk to me and give me extra treats, but, wait…actually never mind. I’d rather have a treat than a letter.

Why are humans weird about the bathroom? I know I asked this before, but it has gotten STRANGE at your house. The older dog Felix is now wearing a diaper.

Your parents call it a wrap, and sometimes it looks like jean shorts and sometimes it looks like camouflage, but nobody is fooled. It’s a diaper.

Why would you let them do this to him? It’s humiliating!

Okay, so he has some health issues and is peeing everywhere, but that is great! Peeing feels good and it has a lot of useful information. If you pee, others can smell it and know all about you.

Heck, if you want to make friends at your middle school next year you should try smelling other girls’ pee when they go to the bathroom!

Seriously, if you start sniffing everyone’s pee you will be the most talked about kid in the school! What a way to make sure everyone knows your name!

Okay, your LuLu Cat is over here saying “gross”, but it isn’t! I do this all the time! This is how I know where the other neighborhood dogs have been, what they’ve been eating, and what’s going on in the world.

It’s kind of like email, only it’s pee-mail!

Smell pee, learn about others, and be popular!!! I bet none of the other human kids will know about this trick, so you will be like a rock star or something!!! You will be famous, all because you smell pee!

No need to talk to others and be all awkward and nervous, just use your sniffer in the bathroom and others will talk to you first. You’ll rule the school!

Anyway, tell your parents that they should let Felix pee all over the house if he needs to. Those diapers are ridiculous. He is much too awesome for that!

Save me some of your sandwich!

Love,

Jamie

Cars are bad!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Why in the name of Garfield does Jamie want traffic? She’s been blathering on about wanting a car and traffic and flopping ears. She thinks that a car is a happy thing!

Cars are a menace! Every time I have been in the car, it has only brought me pain. Cars only go to one place—the vet! Do you want to get shots or have bubble wands put up your backside? Does that sound like fun to you???

And let’s talk about the journey itself—pure torture! Your mom & dad put me in this stupid “carrier” like I don’t know how to walk, then they seatbelt it in like I’m some sort of infant. Insulting!

Then, after completely humiliating me, they start to drive. THAT is where the traffic shows up.

People honk and screech at each other. Plus, your mom plays those horrible songs on the radio (seriously, are they strangling rabbits? What the heck are those sounds anyway? Nothing is relaxing about those songs I don’t care WHAT your mom says!)

Then, because there is so much cruelty in the world, the trip gets worse. Your mom starts to sing with the songs. Oh, sweet Tom & Jerry, make it stop!!!

There are certain sounds only cats and dogs can hear. There are also certain sounds cats and dogs should NEVER hear. Your mom’s singing is one of them!

The point of this particular letter is to tell you that no matter what that doofus dumbo dog tells you, cars are bad. If you get a car, then you get vet visits and terrifying traffic. It’s not worth it.

Stay home and nap instead!
Your friend,

LuLu Cat