Tag: cats and dogs

Maslow was wrong!

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A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

The more I read your mother’s Psychology book, the more I realize how stupid you humans are. You’re almost as dumb as dogs!

You seem to need reasons to help you understand why you are happy and unhappy! PUH-LEASE!

Who is this Maslow and why does he need a pyramid? He wasn’t even Egyptian!!!

I looked at each of the levels and not ONE mentioned cats!!!

He starts with “basic survival needs” but everyone know you need a cat for survival!

Why in the name of Garfield are we not listed???

Safety is up there, but why??? If you have a cat on the basic survival level, you will have safety! Our claws aren’t just for show! And as for love and affection, well, if you worship a cat you are showing love and affection, am I right?

That’s just a hypothetical question by the way, of COURSE I am right! I’m always right!

Now, that whole self-esteem level is stupid. If you have a cat at home and we are willing to put up with you, that should be enough. Esteem is a strong word, it just makes humans act all uppity, but “cat happy” will work.

Last, of course, Maslow had that ridiculous self-actualization stuff, which really should be “realizes cats are royalty.”

Look baby-kittens, those levels are fishier than a tuna net! I’m gonna help you out with LuLu’s Pyramid instead. Egyptians worshipped cats, so we deserve a pyramid more than that Maslow fellow!

Here goes:

Bottom Level—Survival needs, a.k.a., adopt as many cats as you can afford to feed. Don’t worry if you can’t afford food for yourself, cats can catch mice for you. You’re wlecome!

Next level—Safety need>See Bottom level. Cats will keep you safe. Unless we’re sleeping, then we don’t care. Anyone who dares to wake us will NEED safety because we will destroy you and everything around you. We may do that anyway. Just saying!

Next-up Level—Belongingness is easy. You belong to us. Done.

There is no level for self-esteem. You don’t need self-esteem if you live with a cat. It will just get in your way when we start dominating you. Why complicate things?

The top level is Feline Realization instead of Self-Actualization. Once you realize that WE are in charge and that you cannot live without cats, then your life is complete.

You do not need books, or theories, or research to be happy. You need cats. Cats alone can make you happy! Oh, and if you really want to keep a dumb pest-hound dog you can. Someone’s gotta lick the floor clean, I’m not gonna do it!

Now go away, all this talk of snacks and naps has me hungry!
LuLu the Calico Cat

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Or are cats behaviorists?

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A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

So, I looked up more on that Freud guy. THAT human was–what’s the word your mom uses when she’s trying to be diplomatic?–UNIQUE! He was unique!!! (Unique as in four whiskers short of a full set!)

I don’t know that I like the idea of having unconscious drives. All of my action are conscious and deliberate, baby-kittens! No one is driving my behaviors around but me!!!

Plus, I refuse to let anyone try psychoanalysis on me. I don’t mind the analysis part (as if anyone could ever dissect a genius mind like mine!) but the phrase “psycho” is a little unnerving!

Anyways, I looked more through your mom’s nerdy Psychology book and saw Behaviorism. Now THAT is a topic that appeals to me!

Plus the guy who founded it, Skinny-something, did a lot with rats. He put them in cages and made them work for their food. It’s not as good as eating them, but using rats for entertainment is somewhat respectable, so I think I would’ve liked this guy.

Now, the principles of Behaviorism state that humans respond to rewards and punishments in the environment. The rewards part is for wimpy, touchy-feely-crybaby humans who do not respect their place in the world (i.e. as the playthings of cats), but PUNISHMENT!!!

Punishment is an idea I can get firmly behind! I demonstrate punishment of humans on an hourly basis!

Whenever you guys forget to keep my bowl full enough so that food tips off the top if anyone goes near it I will yowl and yowl and yowl until someone comes running. Then after someone finally tops of my bowl I deliver a good, strong swipe and a quick chomp just to remind you who’s boss. If it’s your mom she actually apologizes! That is how a good human servant is supposed to react! I’ve noticed that after giving a few bloody directives about this my bowl seems to always be fuller. Behaviorism really works!

And the other day when the dogs chased me into the kitchen I jumped up onto the cart and knocked an entire cup of water onto their heads! Drenched dogs smell, but at least they stink in another room away from me! They ran away like they’d just seen your mom filling the bathtub! You see, they got punished for being obnoxious. They are usually obnoxious anyway, but it’s nice if there’s something near by to throw at them.

If you start to think that I am being mean let me point out that it is called POSITIVE punishment because I added swipes and water and bites and yowling! Positive means that I positively should punish you for not doing your job, and I am positive that I would do it all again!!!

Yes indeedy, that Skinny-fellow was on to something good! I am now officially a behaviorist!

Speaking of positive punishment, I want you to stop being nice to those dumb dogs, so I am positively leaving a squishy gift in your shoes! Get you toes ready to find it!
LuLu the Calico Cat

Cats are Freudian creatures!

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A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Well, this week was stupid! They hauled away two of the dogs next door, but then they left the other six!!! What kind of cockamamie plan was THAT???!!!

Worse, they left all the dogs in the other houses including our dumbo mutts! What kind of animal control is that supposed to be? HELLOOOO Control the stupid canines and take them ALL away!!!

CATS RULE, DOGS DROOL-DUH!

So that dumb hound Jamie told you that it’s the owners that are bad, not the dogs. LIES! LIES! LIES!

Dogs are BAD! Think about it—dogs are stupid sycophants who display excessive amounts of slobber and some sort of bizarre dependent personality disorder. I read all about it in your mom’s psychology book!

Dogs can’t be left alone for a minute, they act like criticism is the worst thing in the world, they can never stick to a decision, and they always freak out when your parents leave and act like they’ll never come back! If that isn’t proof that dogs have issues, I don’t know what is! 

Cats NEVER have these issues. We don’t care what you say. If you criticize US, we go to sleep. When you leave the house, we get happy and throw a cat party. You think we purr and greet you because we missed you? As if! We’re purring because you can work the can opener you big dumb ape-person!

There’s a show called “My cat from hell,” ever heard of it?

Now, obviously, that show is clear proof that all cats are perfect, because otherwise they would not need a show. And did you ever see what that guy tells the families? He tells them that it’s THEIR fault. THEIRS! NOT the cat’s!

The cats in that show act ugly because their humans are failing them miserably. Cats are deep, dedicated souls who need food, play, naps and (selective) cuddles. We don’t do bad things. Sure, we ignore you humans most of the time, but that’s because we are showing you that we are okay JUST AS WE ARE. Dogs are never good enough, but us cats are amazing!

Remember when Trixie and I went to eat your sister’s beta fish? The pathetic dogs stopped us and it seemed like we were doomed to die without out meeting our fishy-driven-needs. Do you know what we had for dinner that night? Canned tuna and salmon! Those fish are HUGE and made your sister’s beta look like a minnow!

Obviously, your mom wisely saw our behavior and realize we were expressing our deep-seated need for affection in the form of tasty fish. It’s part of our subconscious need for approval via pescatarian efforts.

It’s a Freudian thing, you wouldn’t understand.

You humans never have understood cats and never will. Dogs are stupid. Cats are brilliant. That’s the only truth that matters! Now go eat your stupid human lunch and remember that I expect massive piles of gifts and treats when you get home. Or else!
LuLu the Calico Cat

Soapbox warning! Bad owners = Bad dogs

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A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

The cats are sleeping so I got another chance to write to you! I’m sorry your mom & dad got sick, well, sort of… I like when they stay home all day! It’s awesome to get the extra cuddle time!

I think we need to talk, because yesterday while you were at school it got CRAZY!!!

The neighbors’ husky dogs got out again and attacked some cats and that nice dalmation puppy across the street. The huskies have gotten out every day for the last two weeks and had been chasing everyone’s pets. They even hopped fences and went after other dogs in their own backyards!

Your mom wouldn’t take us for walks because the huskies had already tried to get at us through the windows. It wasn’t too bad because your mom & dad played with us in the backyard, but I missed all the smells!

Yesterday the huskies were roaming and trying to go after every animal outside. A bunch of people told the neighbors that their dogs were out again, but they acted like they didn’t care.  

First the huskies tore through the outdoor cat hut and killed one of the cats down the road. They also bit the other cats inside, but most of them should be okay. Then the huskies chased and bit my puppy friend while she and her family were on a walk. Some people saw it happen and were outside shaking and crying. It was scary and awful and should never have happened.

The animal control people came and then all of these sheriff cars came. The cats’ owners were over yelling at the huskies’ owners and the huskies’ owners were yelling at the cat owners. It got really bad really quick!

It was NUTS! I couldn’t stop barking at them through the window even when your mom gave me peanut butter!
Then, when I thought it would calm down, Animal Control took the dogs! Shouldn’t they take the owners instead???

I try to bark and be friendly like I should, but this makes me growly mad! Your mom was VERY upset!

The owners never walked their dogs, they never played with their dogs, and they never cuddled their dogs. They didn’t care that their dogs were biting at everybody and scaring them and never tried to keep them at their home.

Remember the five seconds that I got out once? Your mom, your dad, and your Aunt Maureen all ran out to get me. I thought we were having a great game until your mom used her scary voice! (I ran back double-quick! I HATE that voice!)

See, you’re not supposed to run wild when you live in a neighborhood because there are kids, and cars, and things that might hurt you. Your mom and dad and auntie were trying to keep me safe. That’s what the neighbors with the huskies should have done!

Your mom and the other neighbors tried to be friendly, talk to the family, and even ask the authorities for help. But no! No one did anything until the dogs hurt one of my buddies!!!

The owners should go to the pound, not the dogs! Dogs get bored! Seriously!

I never get bored because you play with me and I have a huge box of stuffed cuddle toys and squeaky things. Your mom and dad talk to me and run around with me. Plus, when the thunder starts and I get scared your mom gives me special treats and lets me cuddle with her on the bed. Always.

I’m not scared as much because you guys take care of me.

Those dogs were always outside, even in thunder, lightning, and fireworks. I know some people say that dogs shouldn’t be treated like family, but we ARE family. We protect you because you are part of our pack, just like you protect us because we’re part of your family!  

I think that everyone blaming the dogs is wrong. Blame the owners instead!

Okay, the huskies weren’t nice, but I don’t think they ever the chance to learn how to behave! I think that it’s the owners who messed up, because they should have given the dogs love, and playtime, and gone and taken care of them when they were scared.

You know how your mom gives me treats when I let her tell me to sit and lie down and stuff? I like that! I’m super good at showing her how I listen! The neighbors should have done that too. It’s kind of nice to know what’s expected, am I right?

Now everyone is sad and nobody wins. I feel a little guilty, but now that the huskies are at the pound your mom, dad, and all the neighbors are able to go on walks again. Your mom and dad took us out this morning and it was perfect! I enjoyed the new smells and got to find the old ones too!

Best of all, no one chased us back to the house or tried to bite us. We just got walk like we used to do.

I know you’re really young and stuff, but when you’re a grownup don’t forget: dogs are family too. Some treats, ear rubs, and nice words are good. I don’t even mind that you baby talk to me! I like the fact that pick me up and carry me around! (Why does your mom say I’m too heavy? I only weigh 68 pounds, so she weighs a LOT more than me!)

Anyway, when you get home, you can give me extra cuddles to get over this. Plus, bacon, always bacon!

I’m glad you’re my family!

Jamie the Spaniel

Your insult will be punished!

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A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I hate you. Both. No question. WHAT WAS THAT NONSENSE???

You put me in a HAT and a COSTUME for my birthday???

What kind of cruel trick were you playing? You ungrateful, hideous, human-ape-children!

Do you think that I, LuLu, a Calico Cat Goddess, am simply here for your amusement?

YOU are MY playthings. I AM NOT YOURS.

Yes, the catnip mice and fresh tuna were nice. But the costume was an INSULT!

Had I personally requested a costume it might, MIGHT, be acceptable. But to put me in a ridiculous blue, polka-dotted, birthday hat with matching neck ruffle and pants. NOT ALLOWED.

Clearly you monkey-children need punishment!

We shall start with 18 hours of Discovery Channel. You need to learn more about cats. We CAN and WILL kill you. WE are vicious hunters.

Unlike dogs, WE are not obedient. Yes, we may at times come when called or follow your command, but that is our way of keeping you, the peasants, happy.

WE cats do not care what you think. This is because the only thing that you should think is that I am your ruler. No other thoughts matter.

Obviously, you do not yet have a healthy fear of felines and what WE can do. I shall now actively work to correct this.

When you get home from school today you will both find a dead lizard, bug, or vole in your rooms. Be afraid and recognize that this CAN and WILL be you if you EVER dress me in a costume again.

I am done talking to you. FOR NOW.

LuLu (the thoroughly insulted) Cat

My diet=Your doom!

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A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Your parents are giving me a headache.

Cats do not like certain things.

We do not like pest-hounds. We do not like having our sleep disturbed. And we definitely, DEFINITELY, do not like when you humans change our food!

WHO DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE??? You do not own US. We own YOU. We did NOT approve of this absurd challenge to our purrfect routine!

What is this “new” diet garbage all about? So what if the vet thinks I’m a little chubby! She’s just jealous because she can’t pull off the same look! If she has a spread around her middle then someone is going to say something, but me??? It just proves that I can take care of myself!

I. AM. GORGEOUS.

You human-people are obsessed with weight! You have diet pills and diet foods and diet commercials. Every single minute of the day those so-called experts contradict themselves by saying “eat this” and “don’t eat that” right after someone else says only to do the opposite! You human-idiots cannot make up your minds on what is healthy and what isn’t!

And NOW you are attempting to enforce your questionable standards on me, a cat!

Let me explain this one time and one time only: I eat what I want, WHEN I want.

If you do not feed me as I demand I will yowl until you do. You will NEVER sleep again. I promise you!

Your shoes, your bedspreads, and anything white will not be safe. I can produce hairballs on an empty stomach, so do not think I will hesitate to urp or claw you until I get the treats and foods I require for my happiness.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
LuLu—a.k.a. your diet doom-Cat

Is this a poop cult?

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A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Your parents spend way too much time taking care of the pest-hounds. It has to stop!

I have ignored this bizarre “walking” routine (although if your parents try to put ME on a leash I will claw their eyes out!). I have ignored the baby talk and ridiculous need to take pictures of the dogs who are nowhere near as gorgeous as I am, BUT…

WHAT IS THEIR OBSESSION WITH DOG POOP?????

Your parents are preoccupied with poop!!!

They walk with the dogs and stand by when they poop (EWWWWW). Your mom gets excited when those stupid fluff balls walk in circles and WORSE! She tells them that they’re being good!

Your parents talk about the dogs’ poop (Did they or didn’t they? Did it look okay? How is the new food affecting them?)

Enquiring minds DO NOT want to know!

Your parents just have this skeezy, ooky-urpy-fested need to be all up in the doggy-doo bidness!

 I have tried to ignore your parents’ fanatical addiction to those dumb dogs, but this is going too far! The other day I looked out of the window and saw your parents walking the dogs back to the house with bags of dog poop in their hands!!!

Your parents are preserving the dogs’ poop in those little baggies. Doesn’t that concern you at all??? Where the heck are they storing all of those bags of dog poop and WHAT are they planning to use it for?

Then, as if the nightmare wasn’t already coming true, I caught your parents taking MY poop out of the litter box! The more I thought about it the more I realized that every time I pee or poop, it all disappears!

What is happening in this house??? What have you and your parents gotten me in to??? This has to stop! I am disgusted! I am appalled! I am sickened!!!
GET. THEM. HELP. NOW.

Oh, and bring me tuna.

In horror and disgust,
LuLu Cat

Be happy with what you’ve got!

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A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I am insulted, aggrieved, enraged, and irritated!

Firstly, I found out that those ridiculous dog-pests had the nerve to write a letter while I was napping! Then I found out that the stupid spaniel gave you yet another bit of so-called dog-wisdom. THERE IS NO SUCH THING!

Dogs are not wise, they are supercilious sycophants who will follow anyone who offers luncheon meat! If you read through that ridiculous dog-letter you will notice that your dog thinks that going through life in a canine-fashion brings happiness. It’s a plot!

Dogs look and sound innocent, but they’re secretly trying to make all humans act more like dogs. Think about it: by making humans copy dogs you’ll become mindless, butt-sniffing drones who follow anyone with a piece of chicken.

First, they’ll take over your minds, then they’ll take over your groceries and your furniture! Conniving canines cannot be trusted!!!

Let me give you the TRUE way to have happiness: there is none. Happiness is a worthless pursuit for you humans because you refuse to be happy.

The dumb dog is (sort of) right about one thing: you human-people are never satisfied. You always look for something better. You get a package, open it, show your prize off to your friends, and then start looking for something new!

How can you ever be happy when you don’t try to enjoy what you have?

Now look at me!

I wake up early, yowl in your dad’s face and bite at him until he opens his eyes, then I show him my butt. Instead of being offended he cuddles me (not too horrible) and then fetches my breakfast before he even gets his coffee! Then, while your parents eat breakfast, I jump up on the table and yowl again until they pet me. I even paw some food sometimes!

Both of your silly parents (poor things!) talk about how they shouldn’t let me on their table, but then they start petting me and forget what they just said. They often start talking about how beautiful I am–and they’re right!

Every. Single. Morning. SUCKERS!

After breakfast someone cleans my litterbox (as they should!) and I watch them until they finish. Then I use it again, just to see them roll their eyes and sigh. It’s kind of funny!  

I then proudly walk away to take the first of several naps. From time to time, I wake up and walk across their keyboards while they’re teaching. Their students LOVE me! Your parents will try to move me off camera because they are jealous that their students would rather see me than learn about some stupid math or psychology junk!

Later during the day I remind your mom and dad to give me treats every few hours, and, when I am ready, I demand dinner. Occasionally I allow them to cuddle me after, but only when I choose to let them do it.

You see, happiness is not about getting MORE or NEW. It is about enjoying what you already you have.

If you don’t like what you have now, you’re never gonna be happy no matter what you get later.

Ignore the dogs. Don’t roll in the grass or sniff others’ butts, or any of the gross stuff that those dumb dogs do. Wake up, realize what you have, make people work to please you, take an extra nap once in a while, and just enjoy!

Life is only hard because humans make it so; don’t be stupid and look for the “next best” thing. Work with what you’ve got, like I do! You can have goals but still be happy with where you are.

Do I want more catnip mice and more Temptations each day? Of course, I do! But I also purr because some moments are right just the way they are.

Sometimes you just have to be thrilled that the sun shines through the window on your napping spot. What else do you need to be happy???

Look at THAT! I’ve sent you TWO nice letters in just a few weeks! You’re welcome!
I’m still biting you later!
LuLu the Magnificent Calico Cat

For happiness, be like me!

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A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I sure hope you get this letter!

Someone changed the password on your mom’s laptop right after the eight cases of tuna cans showed up, so it’s been hard for me to get a chance to write. Fortunately your uncle called so your mom stepped away and left it open for me.

Apparently your mom & dad thought they’d been “hacked” or something so they changed all their passwords. I thought they knew it was LuLu–she’s always hacking something up! But your mom still works on her laptop when LuLu is around, so I don’t think she gets what happened. She’ll figure it out when they get the box of cat toys next week! I hope you like lasers & robot mice!

I noticed your mom and dad are looking up “healthy eating”, “mindfulness”, and other junk meant to make humans happy. WHY?  

Happiness is about petting dogs, rolling on the grass, and sitting in the sunshine. I think you people make it too complicated.

Everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I’m not! Dogs are all very smart, even us dumb ones!

We’re happy when you rub our bellies, we’re happy when you give us treats, we’re happy when you tell us we’re pretty, and we’re happy just to sit with you and look at your eyes.

You humans have to have cars, video games, and stuff, stuff, and more stuff! You’re so busy getting new stuff that you never even take the time to break in the old stuff! How can you possibly be happy going from one thing to the next thing without first settling in and getting some chewiness in with what’s around you?

Okay, YES, I seem excited when you bring me new toys, but my old chew bone is my favorite! It reminds me of home, and home is YOU. So long as I have YOU, I’m always going to be happy!

Maybe it’s time to stop reading books and listening to “podcats” thingys. Be like me instead! You won’t regret it!

I love you both and hope you will come home soon. This belly won’t rub itself!
Jamie the Spaniel
PS Be careful, LuLu was looking up how to fill a syringe with cyanide & peanut butter. That can’t be good!

Sitters & vomitrocious meals begone!

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A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear redunculous human children!

How DARE your parents go out of town and leave that hideous beast you call a “sitter” with us?

That human is obnoxious, malicious, and other -iciousy words that I will use as soon as I look them up!

First, this bizarre creature who wears the equivalent of a floral shower curtain and has pink sponges in her hair sits on MY couch all day. Worse—she lets the pest-hounds jump up on the couch to “cuddle with momma”!

Blech! I just had a hairball in my mouth!

Firstly, she is certainly NOT their momma!

Although, to be fair, I have heard that humans sometimes call each other a b- word that means female dog. Maybe she’s calling herself one of those?

Secondly, she baby-talks the dogs AND us cats!!! Are you KIDDING me? Does this horrific human not understand that cats are superior beings that dominate the lowly humans assigned to serve them?

My vocabulary is better than YOURS, is it MY fault that you never got a proper education and learned to speak cat?

Most importantly, she has not cooked fish ONCE this week! How am I supposed to survive off of just my regular cat food and a few treats here and there? She made a “healthy” dinner salad and some sort of tofu-thingy. Tofu is some sort of bean nonsense! AS IF ANY OF THAT IS HEALTHY!

THAT vomitrocious-meal is rabbit food on a fancy plate. Come to think of it, you used to feed stuff like that to your hamster Huey. I do NOT eat rodent food—I eat rodents!

I had originally planned to give you more of my incredible wisdom today, but I am too furious to bless you the wondrousness that is the I that I am when I am myself.

I should warn you that this insult to my cathood will not be taken lightly.

Prepare to be humiliated and destroyed like a cheaply made catnip toy.

You, your parents, and their knick-knacks will regret this!!!

GET. ME. FISH. NOW!

Kindly yours,

LuLu Cat