Category: Uncategorized

Even cats ask for (demand) help!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your poor dumb dog Jamie is trying to understand stigmas and mental illness. Sigh…I think we should get your dog earmuffs as she keeps hearing about stuff she doesn’t understand.

I NEED to nap; I do NOT have all day to answer her dumb questions!!!

I tried to explain it to her: stigma is like a stereotype of a reputation. It’s usually the way someone thinks about someone else when they don’t have all the information.

Like, cats are stigmatized because everyone assumes we are lazy since we like to sleep. What non-felines don’t understand is that even when we are sleeping, our minds are plotting against you active and awake. Duh.

People who have a mental illness deal with the same kind of stigma (well, I guess it’s worse because no one gives them any fish). Basically, they get a bad reputation.

It’s because other people don’t understand them or they get afraid. It’s stupid, really.

Humans are meaner to other humans, even meaner than they are to animals.

Do I make fun of you just because you have to wear glasses? Nope. The glasses help you tell which food is mine and which food is the dog’s food. That is VERY important.

Do I make fun of your mom just because she is deaf in one ear? Heck no! She may have to ask somebody to repeat something, but she makes a point to show that she considers the other person important. She doesn’t just ignore that somebody said something (although she would be happier if she did!)

If someone needs medication or one of those therapist-people, then so what??? It takes a lot of fur to ask for help. More humans should respect that.

Do I hesitate to ask for your mom to work the can opener and get that tuna can open? No, I do not! I swipe at her to get her to hurry up! And if a human has a breakdown or needs a little extra something-something to do what needs to be done, then other humans should encourage them and help them to keep going. That’s how it should be.

This whole stigma-thing is a scam to make humans hate each other. Don’t you believe it! Don’t go with the stigma-hate thing. Stick with the adore-cats-as-gods thing instead, and we’ll all be much happier!

Tuna out!
LuLu

What’s a stigma?

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I guess today’s letter is kind of serious. I’m sorry. I want to help you wag your tail at lunchtime, but you’re the only one who gets my letters, and I need answers. It takes a long time to type with my paws!

What’s a stigma? Your mom talked about how some people are mean and are “stigmatizing” people, but it doesn’t sound like a good word. She said some humans face a “stigma” because they have a mental illness. Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t make sense to me!

Your mom said that sometimes humans get bullied or neglected and have a hard time making friends because they have depression or schizophrenia, but that’s just dumb. It’s an illness, right? If it’s an illness, you should help them!

When you are sick you stay home from school (which I love!) Your mom fixes soup and crackers for you (which is great when you spill it!), and you get extra cuddles. Cuddles are always good! So, if someone’s mental is sick, shouldn’t they get soup and cuddles too?

LuLu Cat says it isn’t that simple, but I’m not so sure. Do you think that (no offense since you’re a human, but…) humans sometimes make things difficult? If dogs are sick, sometimes they go away from their packs to keep them safe. But no one teases them or calls them useless.

Sometimes if a family dog is sick, some dogs will stay nearby and protect them. It just depends on how the pack is established. But the thing is, us dogs understand that sometimes somebody gets sick. It’s part of nature. Should a mental sickness really be different?

When your mom is sick, like when she got that stomach flu stuff, that little yappy twerp Felix stayed by her and growled if anyone got near her.  She told Felix “thank you” and everything! Felix is a loud, hyper little fuzzball, but he is also a good protector. Maybe more humans need fuzzball protectors to help them get better too. Maybe feeling safe is part of feeling better!

It all goes back to what I told you a few weeks ago. The only way to be truly happy is to get a dog.

Usually, I think that I am confused, but the more I type, the more I think humans are the ones who are confused. If we all protect each other, this stigma-thing wouldn’t be an issue!

Just my two dog biscuits! Wuff you!
Jamie

Being honest is being a cat!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Your dad seems to think that I start every letter with “the dog is an idiot”. Well, maybe I start letters that way because it’s true, did your dad ever think about THAT?

The. Dog. Is. An. IDIOT.

The Jamie-dog-Pest has been upset all week because of a news story about some dog somewhere that attacked its owner. Jamie claims it’s false advertising and that dogs aren’t bad, they’re just surprised and react without thinking. Um. NO!

Just ask any cat (like myself!) Dogs are bad. And dumb. And smelly. But that’s another conversation.

See, dogs are reactionaries, which is fancy talk for those who respond without thinking. Some humans are like this.

Your dad is more of a dog type. See, when your mom asks if she looks good in a new dress, she doesn’t want the real answer. She wants him to say that she looks beautiful (or, even better, like she’s lost weight!). But your dad, who is reactionary in nature, tells her the truth. Especially when he shouldn’t.

If they are about to go out to dinner, it is NOT the time to tell her that the dress looks a little small! That poor, sweet, technically-brilliant-but-socially-stupid man tells her what she doesn’t want to hear!

Now your mom is more like a cat. When someone gives her a gift she doesn’t like, she doesn’t respond frankly (another fancy word for you, frankly means brutally honest.) Instead, she gets creative (most adults call it “diplomatic”.)

She will use her own kind of spy-code, telling them how special it is or how she knows just where to put it! (The other day she muttered “up your bum” under her breath. It was hilarious!)

Cats are “diplomatic” as well. When we want something, we will let you cuddle us. Then we get treats and (not so awful, if it’s on our terms) cuddles. When we want to be left alone, we give humans one warning (either a bushy tail, a low hiss, or a quick swipe). We watch what everyone is doing and then decide whether or not we want to join in on the activity.

That is how it should be.

No one ever really thinks of cats as being bad because humans understand our superiority and their inferiority to cats. If we get a little scratchy or hissy most humans apologize to us for offending us (as they should).

I forget where this letter started and what I was trying to say. Oh, yeah.

Dogs drool, cats rule! Be more like a cat and you will find true happiness!

Tuna out!
LuLu

Not all dogs are bad!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why do some people say dogs are bad?  I know sometimes we can get upset. We have feelings like everyone else. But not all dogs are bad. When someone says a dog “turns on you,” it seems like a silly complaint. You have to turn around to sit down!

Oh, Babbie says that “turning on someone” means something not nice. Sorry. No one ever explains this stuff until after I’ve typed it.

See, someone on the news said the dog “turned on its owner” and that the owner got hurt. But maybe there was just some kind of confusion?

Remember the other day when you accidentally stepped on my tail when I was sleeping? I growled for a second ‘cuz I was half asleep. Once I got all wakey-wakey I was okay. I even apologized to you and let you pet me! I was just sleepy-scaredy-confused. It happens to everyone!

I don’t think dogs are really bad. I bet they’re just scared sometimes. Not every dog can type, and humans never seem to understand when we talk, so stuff gets misunderstood. A lot.

I think that happens with humans too, am I right? Maybe sometimes instead of saying that you’re scared or upset, you get snappy.

It sounded like you were going to bite your brother’s face off yesterday, all ‘cuz he got better grades than you on a test. But he was studying all weekend, while you went to a slumber party. Maybe it’s a trade-off kind of thing?

I don’t think most dogs or most people are bad. I think they just need to be understood. Or maybe they’re scared because someone understands them and knows that they’re scared, if that makes sense. It makes sense to me at least.


Just for the record, I am a GOOD dog, and if I ever snap at you, it’s just because you woke me up. I love you!

Jamie

Productive bodily function production

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 3 Comments
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

The dog is an idiot. You’re welcome. That stupid pest-hound told your sister that it’s okay to pee on everything in existence. Ummmmm, NO! That is NOT how this works!

Yes, peeing is normal, but it should not be done in public or even randomly!

Look at me. I use a nice, clean litterbox. That litterbox is inside a nice, clean wood litter box house. That allows me to do my business yet not be harassed by dogs, humans, or other ridiculous creatures.

I NEVER go outside of the litterbox (except for that one time I had an infection, but that is wayyyy too embarrassing to discuss right now and the vet fixed it anyway, so who cares?)

The point is that urination designation must have an element of pride. One cannot just squat anywhere, one must have a specific spot that is pristine and somewhat secluded. After all, you wouldn’t want just anyone happening upon you while you are in a prone position, would you?

Urination, defecation, and regurgitation deliberation are the keys to a happy life. Well, that and fish; lots of fish.

We cats learned long ago that our body waste has power. Well, it’s not waste so much as purified putrid product that is an expression of your love for us. It shows if you feed us well. That will be revealed via our stool and, depending on placement of said excrement, we are okay with that.

If it is inside of the litterbox then, well, you are welcome. We cats have allowed you the privilege of daily cleaning of our litterbox. If it is outside of our litterbox then SHAME ON YOU. If it is outside of the litterbox then you are not keeping our box clean or we have an illness. Either way, it’s your fault. You’re the human. Your job is to serve us cats and keep us healthy and happy.

As a cat owner you are automatically a member of the Feline Fanatics Club. Membership includes cuddling us (only when we allow it), feeding us (and it better be the good food!), and adoring us (always). Plus you must give us fresh, clean water and clean our litter. Would you use a messy toilet? No! So why would you want your cat to use one?

We cats express ourselves through yowls, howls, and bowels. Sometimes it is through our elimination, but sometimes it is via directed regurgitation. All bodily expectoration are, in essence, communication. (Will you listen to that fabulous wording? I really need to write more feline poetry!)

Writing these letters to you is art. Scratching a human is an art. Throwing up a hairball is an art. All physical feline expressions are calculated; all serve our own feline-centric purpose.

You puke up a glutinous glob in your dad’s favorite dress shoes, the ones hidden at the back of the closet, and I PROMISE you will get his attention. Urinate on the new rug you hate and they will get rid of it, guaranteed!

All production of bodily function can be productive if you know what you are doing. Bodily functions are normal so you might as well enjoy them!

Certain showers can be fun!
LuLu

Leg-lifting liberation!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 1 Comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Maybe this is my doggieness talking, but why are humans so picky about going to the bathroom?

The other day when you were all in the car your mom started “looking” for rest areas because you said you needed to pee. What’s to look for? There’s grass everywhere!

Now me, I can tinkle as soon as I leave the car, even if it’s just on the street! Are you kind of shy, maybe? Do you get embarrassed at the thought of peeing with everyone looking? You really shouldn’t!

Humans are weird. Just. Plain. Weird. You have a lot of terms for going to the bathroom. None of them make sense. Why would you spend a penny just to pee? Why would a lady powder her nose instead of just relieving herself? Face it, no matter how you phrase it, we know what you mean. You need to go outside and go potty.

Look, peeing is a normal thing. Sometimes it’s a quick squirt and other times it’s a real leg-lifter! The trick is to go when you gotta go, get it? Whether it’s relieving yourself on your mom’s new couch or changing the color of the grass outside, it happens to everyone! So long as you’re upstream, you’re okay! 

Why lie to your parents or classmates? Instead of asking if you can stop the car for a minute, or even asking if you can take a time out “real quick”, just pee wherever you are. Everyone says that dog pee smells, and it does, but not in a bad way. It gives a lot of messages for other dogs like which dog has been where and what they had for dinner.

And I bet that if you smelled someone else’s pee you would learn a lot about them as well! You should try it, really! From now on promise me that you will pee wherever you want! You will be relived to be relieved, and that’s nothing to shake a fetching-stick at!

Love you lots!
Jamie the Spaniel

Grumbling is smiling for some!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 1 Comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

What simpleton let that dog get into the coffee? The pest-hound was running around for hours the other day! She nipped, yipped, and flopped at us cats as if were common house pets! Then your mom came home and realized Jamie had eaten a bunch of coffee grounds and she carried that stupid pest to the vet’s office!

Apparently, the veterinarian made Jamie vomit a bunch. I wish I had seen THAT! Did you know that coffee can kill a dog? I might have to give Jamie some, just to check. If it’s a science experiment, then it’s legal, right???

Jamie said that she had solved the issues with riots and protesters by announcing a grand plan to force everyone to sit down at what she called a “coffee summit.”

This is proof that your dumb dog is just that, a dumb dog. This coffee stuff almost killed her and now she want to share the poison with everybody to “make them happy.” Sounds kind of twisted to me!

Fixing world issues is not as simple as coffee. As I have mentioned before it requires fish, but even fish will not be enough with some humans.

Some humans are out getting loud because no one listened to them when they were quiet, so they don’t know what else to do. Coffee definitely won’t be better than being heard (especially if it’s toxic), so it’s not gonna help much.

Other humans aren’t fighting for anything, they’re just miserable people who just want to fight or stay miserable. They’re out there you know.

That’s probably hard for a baby-human-kitten like yourself to understand, but there are weirdos who are only happy when they’re unhappy. Kind of like those bullies you had to deal with, am I right? They only felt good when someone else felt bad. That’s kind of messed up.

Here’s the deal kiddo. Don’t run away with this or anything, but I might, on RARE occasions care about you. Before you get excited, if it’s between you and a case of fresh fish, you’re history, but if I don’t have to choose I would let you stay and watch me eat.

(You can’t have any of the fish, so don’t take this too far…actually, now I’m wanting fish, so I had better wrap this up.)

The whisker I’m trying to curl here is that YOU have to be YOU, and if someone else tries to make you feel that you are less than what you are because they’re a miserable twerp, just hiss loudly and then swipe ‘em and walk away.

Sure, you might get some strange looks, but nobody messes with a cat more than once. At least not if they want to sleep with their eyes closed!

You’re welcome, baby kitten, you’re welcome!
LuLu

Dogs can’t have coffee, but they want to!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 1 Comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

HI OLIVIA!

I WAS GOING THROUGH THE TRASH. You know the trash right? I don’t mean that you KNOW the trash. It’s not like you’ve been introduced or anything. But I mean that you know what I mean when I mention trash, right?

So anyway I was smelling all the wonderful smells and chewing on a paper towel when I started chomping on that WONDERFUL stuff your mom calls COFFEE! COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE I LOVE COFFEE!

I don’t know why your mom puts it in the coffee pot ‘cause the old wet coffee grains were FANTASTIC!

The coffee filter was like an amazing chewy cookie! No cup required!

I LOVE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The VET, however, did NOT want me to have coffee, so I had to go in and she gave me yucky stuff that made me vomit. It was NOT as much fun as eating the trash.

By the way, what does “toxic” mean? Sounds like a human code for don’t-share-with-the-dog.

So, like, the whole world peace thingy would go faster if everyone drank coffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee! Your human juice makes me happy (well, it did, for a minute, before your mom freaked out), and it would make everyone happy, and we could all be happy together!

The next big gathering when everyone is arguing and getting all cranky, just bring out the coffee! The smell rivers up through your nose and flows to your brain and then you start to smile. Then you swallow some and KAPOW! Happiness!

If all the humans sat down and shared some really, really, good coffee, then everyone would get along forever (or until the coffee runs out!)

I have to go run around in circles now. I can’t wait to get some more of this stuff. Your mom says it’s not going to happen, but there has to be a way. She’s going to slip up and throw out coffee grounds again one of these days, and I’m gonna eat it just like I ate your dad’s underwear. I’m going through the garbage every hour of every day for the rest of my life!

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your favorite Jamie,

Jamie

OH—The letter’s from me. Jamie. The dog. The cute young one, not the old grumpy one. The one you like who talks. Gotta run!

Fish–not wagging–brings happiness!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

OH. MY. FROG.

Do NOT let your sister listen to that idiot pest-hound Jamie! Jamie wants your sister to wag her rear end in a classmate’s face! Olivia will get arrested, you have to stop her!

Honestly (*eyeroll*) I do not know why anyone lets that stupid dog-pest near the computer!

Look, people are grumpy for one reason: fish depletion. It’s a known fact that humans eats lots of red meat and chicken. That isn’t a bad thing (heck, I’m a big fan of meat by-products!) but happiness comes from fish. LOTS of fish.

Think about it: what do cats eat? Fish. What do bears eat? Fish. What do otters eat? Fish. Heck, even orcas—giant whale-types who look like fish—eat? Fish!

You ever seen an unhappy cat? Nope! Well, unless  the cat hasn’t been fed yet, then it’s gonna be mad as heck. Have you ever seen otters, bears, or orcas look unhappy? No way! They are only unhappy when they are hungry for—you guessed it—fish.

Let’s face it, piscivores (i.e. fish-eaters) are happy people animals. So what does that tell you? Eat more fish!

Tell your parents that the next time they’re waiting in line at the post office and some stuck-up human gets all crabby, they should throw a fish in his mouth! Heck, just slap him with it and then shove it right in his pie-hole!

Sure, he might yell for security at first, but after he starts to taste that juicy raw fish and the crunch of the fishbones cracks against his teeth, he’ll want to kiss you for your kindness!

Remember, FISH are the key to happiness, not dogs or songs or anything else you silly humans go for. Tell the landscaper that a fish pond is a MUST!

Now go catch Olivia before the teacher catches her wiggling and jiggling something that shouldn’t be waggled or jaggled!

You’re welcome!
LuLu Cat (who, by the way, is now hungry for fish!)

Friendship comes from wagging your tush!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Your mom and dad were talking about some grumpy people they saw when they were at the post office. It seems like a lot of humans are grumpy these days! Does being human automatically make people unhappy? Is it a tail thing? If it is you can tell me, I won’t mind, honest!

See, dogs use tail language, and dogs are happy people (well, happy dogs)—at least most of us are! Think about it: we meet someone new, preferably someone with bacon, and our tails wag super fast, Whap! Whap! Whap! It sounds loud, like when your mom is banging a jar against the counter to get it to open.

When I think you’re upset, I do a subtle wag that sounds more like thud, thud, thud! It sounds like a slower heartbeat and kind of like a reminder to you that you and your family are my heart.

If my tail stands straight up, it’s standing at attention! I am alert and ready for whatever is about to happen, whether it’s a tree kitten/squirrel trying to invade our yard or a garbage collector trying to steal our garbage!

And if my tail is down, well, you know, I might have done something a little naughty or cat-like. I don’t mean to knock stuff over, but my legs seem to split away from me sometimes! Seriously! My chest goes one way but my legs go the other, I can’t control it!

See, my tail tells everyone what’s going on, like whether I’m friendly or not. But humans don’t have tails. Tails never lie. Humans do sometimes.

Sometimes a person smiles at you, but says something that makes you cry. But other times a friend says something that sounds mean that makes you laugh. It’s confusing! There’s no tail language to warn you what’s coming!

Maybe humans should waggle their butts more. That would help! Try it!

The next time you go to school and you want to make a new friend, walk right up to him and then bark once, turn around, and swishy swishy your tushy in his face! He’ll love you for it and you’ll be best friends forever! No more grumpiness!

That’s the answer isn’t it? If more people wagged their butts in public there would be less grumpiness, I’m sure of it! For someone LuLu calls a “dumb dog”, I’m pretty smart, right?

I love you, now start wagging!

Jamie