Grumbling is smiling for some!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

What simpleton let that dog get into the coffee? The pest-hound was running around for hours the other day! She nipped, yipped, and flopped at us cats as if were common house pets! Then your mom came home and realized Jamie had eaten a bunch of coffee grounds and she carried that stupid pest to the vet’s office!

Apparently, the veterinarian made Jamie vomit a bunch. I wish I had seen THAT! Did you know that coffee can kill a dog? I might have to give Jamie some, just to check. If it’s a science experiment, then it’s legal, right???

Jamie said that she had solved the issues with riots and protesters by announcing a grand plan to force everyone to sit down at what she called a “coffee summit.”

This is proof that your dumb dog is just that, a dumb dog. This coffee stuff almost killed her and now she want to share the poison with everybody to “make them happy.” Sounds kind of twisted to me!

Fixing world issues is not as simple as coffee. As I have mentioned before it requires fish, but even fish will not be enough with some humans.

Some humans are out getting loud because no one listened to them when they were quiet, so they don’t know what else to do. Coffee definitely won’t be better than being heard (especially if it’s toxic), so it’s not gonna help much.

Other humans aren’t fighting for anything, they’re just miserable people who just want to fight or stay miserable. They’re out there you know.

That’s probably hard for a baby-human-kitten like yourself to understand, but there are weirdos who are only happy when they’re unhappy. Kind of like those bullies you had to deal with, am I right? They only felt good when someone else felt bad. That’s kind of messed up.

Here’s the deal kiddo. Don’t run away with this or anything, but I might, on RARE occasions care about you. Before you get excited, if it’s between you and a case of fresh fish, you’re history, but if I don’t have to choose I would let you stay and watch me eat.

(You can’t have any of the fish, so don’t take this too far…actually, now I’m wanting fish, so I had better wrap this up.)

The whisker I’m trying to curl here is that YOU have to be YOU, and if someone else tries to make you feel that you are less than what you are because they’re a miserable twerp, just hiss loudly and then swipe ‘em and walk away.

Sure, you might get some strange looks, but nobody messes with a cat more than once. At least not if they want to sleep with their eyes closed!

You’re welcome, baby kitten, you’re welcome!
LuLu

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