Grumbling is smiling for some!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

What simpleton let that dog get into the coffee? The pest-hound was running around for hours the other day! She nipped, yipped, and flopped at us cats as if were common house pets! Then your mom came home and realized Jamie had eaten a bunch of coffee grounds and she carried that stupid pest to the vet’s office!

Apparently, the veterinarian made Jamie vomit a bunch. I wish I had seen THAT! Did you know that coffee can kill a dog? I might have to give Jamie some, just to check. If it’s a science experiment, then it’s legal, right???

Jamie said that she had solved the issues with riots and protesters by announcing a grand plan to force everyone to sit down at what she called a “coffee summit.”

This is proof that your dumb dog is just that, a dumb dog. This coffee stuff almost killed her and now she want to share the poison with everybody to “make them happy.” Sounds kind of twisted to me!

Fixing world issues is not as simple as coffee. As I have mentioned before it requires fish, but even fish will not be enough with some humans.

Some humans are out getting loud because no one listened to them when they were quiet, so they don’t know what else to do. Coffee definitely won’t be better than being heard (especially if it’s toxic), so it’s not gonna help much.

Other humans aren’t fighting for anything, they’re just miserable people who just want to fight or stay miserable. They’re out there you know.

That’s probably hard for a baby-human-kitten like yourself to understand, but there are weirdos who are only happy when they’re unhappy. Kind of like those bullies you had to deal with, am I right? They only felt good when someone else felt bad. That’s kind of messed up.

Here’s the deal kiddo. Don’t run away with this or anything, but I might, on RARE occasions care about you. Before you get excited, if it’s between you and a case of fresh fish, you’re history, but if I don’t have to choose I would let you stay and watch me eat.

(You can’t have any of the fish, so don’t take this too far…actually, now I’m wanting fish, so I had better wrap this up.)

The whisker I’m trying to curl here is that YOU have to be YOU, and if someone else tries to make you feel that you are less than what you are because they’re a miserable twerp, just hiss loudly and then swipe ‘em and walk away.

Sure, you might get some strange looks, but nobody messes with a cat more than once. At least not if they want to sleep with their eyes closed!

You’re welcome, baby kitten, you’re welcome!


Dogs can’t have coffee, but they want to!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon


I WAS GOING THROUGH THE TRASH. You know the trash right? I don’t mean that you KNOW the trash. It’s not like you’ve been introduced or anything. But I mean that you know what I mean when I mention trash, right?

So anyway I was smelling all the wonderful smells and chewing on a paper towel when I started chomping on that WONDERFUL stuff your mom calls COFFEE! COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE I LOVE COFFEE!

I don’t know why your mom puts it in the coffee pot ‘cause the old wet coffee grains were FANTASTIC!

The coffee filter was like an amazing chewy cookie! No cup required!

I LOVE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The VET, however, did NOT want me to have coffee, so I had to go in and she gave me yucky stuff that made me vomit. It was NOT as much fun as eating the trash.

By the way, what does “toxic” mean? Sounds like a human code for don’t-share-with-the-dog.

So, like, the whole world peace thingy would go faster if everyone drank coffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee! Your human juice makes me happy (well, it did, for a minute, before your mom freaked out), and it would make everyone happy, and we could all be happy together!

The next big gathering when everyone is arguing and getting all cranky, just bring out the coffee! The smell rivers up through your nose and flows to your brain and then you start to smile. Then you swallow some and KAPOW! Happiness!

If all the humans sat down and shared some really, really, good coffee, then everyone would get along forever (or until the coffee runs out!)

I have to go run around in circles now. I can’t wait to get some more of this stuff. Your mom says it’s not going to happen, but there has to be a way. She’s going to slip up and throw out coffee grounds again one of these days, and I’m gonna eat it just like I ate your dad’s underwear. I’m going through the garbage every hour of every day for the rest of my life!


Your favorite Jamie,


OH—The letter’s from me. Jamie. The dog. The cute young one, not the old grumpy one. The one you like who talks. Gotta run!