Fish–not wagging–brings happiness!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

OH. MY. FROG.

Do NOT let your sister listen to that idiot pest-hound Jamie! Jamie wants your sister to wag her rear end in a classmate’s face! Olivia will get arrested, you have to stop her!

Honestly (*eyeroll*) I do not know why anyone lets that stupid dog-pest near the computer!

Look, people are grumpy for one reason: fish depletion. It’s a known fact that humans eats lots of red meat and chicken. That isn’t a bad thing (heck, I’m a big fan of meat by-products!) but happiness comes from fish. LOTS of fish.

Think about it: what do cats eat? Fish. What do bears eat? Fish. What do otters eat? Fish. Heck, even orcas—giant whale-types who look like fish—eat? Fish!

You ever seen an unhappy cat? Nope! Well, unless  the cat hasn’t been fed yet, then it’s gonna be mad as heck. Have you ever seen otters, bears, or orcas look unhappy? No way! They are only unhappy when they are hungry for—you guessed it—fish.

Let’s face it, piscivores (i.e. fish-eaters) are happy people animals. So what does that tell you? Eat more fish!

Tell your parents that the next time they’re waiting in line at the post office and some stuck-up human gets all crabby, they should throw a fish in his mouth! Heck, just slap him with it and then shove it right in his pie-hole!

Sure, he might yell for security at first, but after he starts to taste that juicy raw fish and the crunch of the fishbones cracks against his teeth, he’ll want to kiss you for your kindness!

Remember, FISH are the key to happiness, not dogs or songs or anything else you silly humans go for. Tell the landscaper that a fish pond is a MUST!

Now go catch Olivia before the teacher catches her wiggling and jiggling something that shouldn’t be waggled or jaggled!

You’re welcome!
LuLu Cat (who, by the way, is now hungry for fish!)

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