Is this a poop cult?

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Your parents spend way too much time taking care of the pest-hounds. It has to stop!

I have ignored this bizarre “walking” routine (although if your parents try to put ME on a leash I will claw their eyes out!). I have ignored the baby talk and ridiculous need to take pictures of the dogs who are nowhere near as gorgeous as I am, BUT…


Your parents are preoccupied with poop!!!

They walk with the dogs and stand by when they poop (EWWWWW). Your mom gets excited when those stupid fluff balls walk in circles and WORSE! She tells them that they’re being good!

Your parents talk about the dogs’ poop (Did they or didn’t they? Did it look okay? How is the new food affecting them?)

Enquiring minds DO NOT want to know!

Your parents just have this skeezy, ooky-urpy-fested need to be all up in the doggy-doo bidness!

 I have tried to ignore your parents’ fanatical addiction to those dumb dogs, but this is going too far! The other day I looked out of the window and saw your parents walking the dogs back to the house with bags of dog poop in their hands!!!

Your parents are preserving the dogs’ poop in those little baggies. Doesn’t that concern you at all??? Where the heck are they storing all of those bags of dog poop and WHAT are they planning to use it for?

Then, as if the nightmare wasn’t already coming true, I caught your parents taking MY poop out of the litter box! The more I thought about it the more I realized that every time I pee or poop, it all disappears!

What is happening in this house??? What have you and your parents gotten me in to??? This has to stop! I am disgusted! I am appalled! I am sickened!!!

Oh, and bring me tuna.

In horror and disgust,
LuLu Cat


Be happy with what you’ve got!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I am insulted, aggrieved, enraged, and irritated!

Firstly, I found out that those ridiculous dog-pests had the nerve to write a letter while I was napping! Then I found out that the stupid spaniel gave you yet another bit of so-called dog-wisdom. THERE IS NO SUCH THING!

Dogs are not wise, they are supercilious sycophants who will follow anyone who offers luncheon meat! If you read through that ridiculous dog-letter you will notice that your dog thinks that going through life in a canine-fashion brings happiness. It’s a plot!

Dogs look and sound innocent, but they’re secretly trying to make all humans act more like dogs. Think about it: by making humans copy dogs you’ll become mindless, butt-sniffing drones who follow anyone with a piece of chicken.

First, they’ll take over your minds, then they’ll take over your groceries and your furniture! Conniving canines cannot be trusted!!!

Let me give you the TRUE way to have happiness: there is none. Happiness is a worthless pursuit for you humans because you refuse to be happy.

The dumb dog is (sort of) right about one thing: you human-people are never satisfied. You always look for something better. You get a package, open it, show your prize off to your friends, and then start looking for something new!

How can you ever be happy when you don’t try to enjoy what you have?

Now look at me!

I wake up early, yowl in your dad’s face and bite at him until he opens his eyes, then I show him my butt. Instead of being offended he cuddles me (not too horrible) and then fetches my breakfast before he even gets his coffee! Then, while your parents eat breakfast, I jump up on the table and yowl again until they pet me. I even paw some food sometimes!

Both of your silly parents (poor things!) talk about how they shouldn’t let me on their table, but then they start petting me and forget what they just said. They often start talking about how beautiful I am–and they’re right!

Every. Single. Morning. SUCKERS!

After breakfast someone cleans my litterbox (as they should!) and I watch them until they finish. Then I use it again, just to see them roll their eyes and sigh. It’s kind of funny!  

I then proudly walk away to take the first of several naps. From time to time, I wake up and walk across their keyboards while they’re teaching. Their students LOVE me! Your parents will try to move me off camera because they are jealous that their students would rather see me than learn about some stupid math or psychology junk!

Later during the day I remind your mom and dad to give me treats every few hours, and, when I am ready, I demand dinner. Occasionally I allow them to cuddle me after, but only when I choose to let them do it.

You see, happiness is not about getting MORE or NEW. It is about enjoying what you already you have.

If you don’t like what you have now, you’re never gonna be happy no matter what you get later.

Ignore the dogs. Don’t roll in the grass or sniff others’ butts, or any of the gross stuff that those dumb dogs do. Wake up, realize what you have, make people work to please you, take an extra nap once in a while, and just enjoy!

Life is only hard because humans make it so; don’t be stupid and look for the “next best” thing. Work with what you’ve got, like I do! You can have goals but still be happy with where you are.

Do I want more catnip mice and more Temptations each day? Of course, I do! But I also purr because some moments are right just the way they are.

Sometimes you just have to be thrilled that the sun shines through the window on your napping spot. What else do you need to be happy???

Look at THAT! I’ve sent you TWO nice letters in just a few weeks! You’re welcome!
I’m still biting you later!
LuLu the Magnificent Calico Cat

For happiness, be like me!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I sure hope you get this letter!

Someone changed the password on your mom’s laptop right after the eight cases of tuna cans showed up, so it’s been hard for me to get a chance to write. Fortunately your uncle called so your mom stepped away and left it open for me.

Apparently your mom & dad thought they’d been “hacked” or something so they changed all their passwords. I thought they knew it was LuLu–she’s always hacking something up! But your mom still works on her laptop when LuLu is around, so I don’t think she gets what happened. She’ll figure it out when they get the box of cat toys next week! I hope you like lasers & robot mice!

I noticed your mom and dad are looking up “healthy eating”, “mindfulness”, and other junk meant to make humans happy. WHY?  

Happiness is about petting dogs, rolling on the grass, and sitting in the sunshine. I think you people make it too complicated.

Everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I’m not! Dogs are all very smart, even us dumb ones!

We’re happy when you rub our bellies, we’re happy when you give us treats, we’re happy when you tell us we’re pretty, and we’re happy just to sit with you and look at your eyes.

You humans have to have cars, video games, and stuff, stuff, and more stuff! You’re so busy getting new stuff that you never even take the time to break in the old stuff! How can you possibly be happy going from one thing to the next thing without first settling in and getting some chewiness in with what’s around you?

Okay, YES, I seem excited when you bring me new toys, but my old chew bone is my favorite! It reminds me of home, and home is YOU. So long as I have YOU, I’m always going to be happy!

Maybe it’s time to stop reading books and listening to “podcats” thingys. Be like me instead! You won’t regret it!

I love you both and hope you will come home soon. This belly won’t rub itself!
Jamie the Spaniel
PS Be careful, LuLu was looking up how to fill a syringe with cyanide & peanut butter. That can’t be good!

Take life by the claws!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

I, LuLu, the world’s most supreme calico cat, have decided that I will take over all letter-writing from this day forward, unless my nap time gets in the way. Perhaps, on rare occasions, I will allow the pest-hounds to type some brief missive. Perhaps.

It occurred to me that the house-hounds were using the lunchbox letters to pass on wishy-washy canine philosophies like “love one another” and “sniffing butts makes fast friends.” Worse, sometimes your parents, who have clearly been brainwashed by those hellish fiends they call “pets”, say similar things!

The other day, when your big sister said something stupid (claiming she didn’t “want” tuna for dinner—NOT possible!) instead of nipping at her or clawing her your mom took a deep breath and talked to her calmy. RIDICULOUS!

When a kitten acts out or is obnoxious you give it a nip and a swipe. THAT’S how you teach a kitten manners! Obviously your parents have given the dogs have wayyyyy too much control in this house, MY house. This must end.

So, for today, I am going to gift you human-kittens with some of my wonderful knowledge.

The world is a difficult place. It is scary and can be challenging, even for the best of us.

Some fools will want you to nap less and work more, but you will have your whole lives to work! You will have less time to nap, so nap as if your happiness depends on it, because it does!

They will tell you to stop eating when you feel full, when it is much easier to eat as much as you want, throw it up, and then eat more! There may not be food on the morrow, or (even worse!), the veterinarian may want you to eat more “healthy” food (blech!) You should munch on those extra giblets while you can!

The trick to enjoying life is to ENJOY it! Stop worrying about what others say or if you fit in. Fitting in means you go along with what all the other cats want, not what you want. PUH-LEASE! You’ll never find your purr that way!

You be the best cat human-kitten you can be and nap, eat, and chase a laser once in a while! If a crunchy bug crosses your path, play with it for a while and then eat it. That’s how you enjoy every moment!

Cats have nine lives, but you silly humans only get one, so you don’t want to be miserable!

Lick those paws and get out there! Swipe it, gripe it, or bite it; so long as you show that YOU are the only one in control of YOU then you will find your life filled with more catnip and crunch treats than you ever thought possible!

Your new mental Professor-Cat-Guru,

LuLu Cat

REAL family loves your smells!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Olivia,

I can’t decide if I’m happy or sad today. It was very exciting having your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins come to visit, but it was kind of exhausting too.

How come family makes everyone mad, sad, and glad all at once?

Your mom said she was happy to see them, but she looked happy when they left too! How does that make any sense?

Before your crazy-loud relatives got here, your mom and dad were running around like cats who fell in a full bathtub! They were cleaning stuff and fixing switches—ALL of my favorite smells are gone!

Your mom cooked a lot more than usual (that part was nice!), but she didn’t drop food for me like she usually does. I didn’t like that part at all!

She washed every blanket and every cushion and then made me stay off of them. I like clean stuff too!!!

I’d take out all my toys to play with them, and she would pick them up and put them in a basket. What gives???

Then, before everybody arrived, she ran into the bathroom, put that silly paint stuff on her face, and changed into a fancy dress. She looked a lot less comfortable than she did in her yoga pants!

Shouldn’t family love you the way you are? Shouldn’t your smells and your toys and your treats be important to them? Shouldn’t they understand that you need some room on the couch?

Is it any wonder I got a little gassy when I got a little excited with everyone here? They acted like my farts smelled bad, but, for the record, your aunt’s perfume smelled like someone rolled a skunk in roses! I know my smells, and that perfume she kept spraying had skunk in it for sure!

It was nice to get extra belly rubs and more people to play with, but it was wrong to pretend the house is always clean. It’s never clean, and I like it that way!

Now that they’re gone, will you please drop some food for me?
Love from your REAL family,

Poop happens, WHERE matters!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I think the cats are upset. AGAIN.

This time I kind of understand, because it reminds me that your parents are those hippo-thingys that the cat calls them. Hippo-mitts? Hippos-creeks? Something fancy that means they say one thing but act another way.

See, I’m not dumb, I learn the stuffs!

Your mom’s friend came to stay and brought her new baby. When the baby came over it seemed okay at first. She dropped food. A LOT. That was awesome!

The baby human seemed kind of sweet and stared at me a bunch. She reached out and giggled when I licked her baby paw. Then it happened. She pooped.

Now, if any of us pets pee or poop in the house your mom gets mad. Your mom growls and fusses the whole time she cleans up. But do you think she growled and grumbled when she cleaned the baby? NOPE!

When your mom cleaned the baby human it was all coochy-coo and silly words and “let’s get you all freshened up!”

HELLO—where was that voice when I had an accident? Babies pee and poop wherever they want and the adults act like it’s okay. Seriously!

She acted like what the baby did was a good thing. UGH!

Look, from time to time I might roll in poop. Sure, I might even pee on something to send a message to the other dogs in the neighborhood. And once in a while I might try to grab a bite from the litter box.

But the baby was WEARING a pant full of poo! Your mom called it a diaper, but it’s the SAME thing! Totally disgusting, but your mom didn’t even care!

Plus, babies take up ALL the adults’ attention! Think about it–when was the last time your mom and dad helped you with bath time? You’re in the fourth grade, but you still take baths.  I’ve seen you do it.

Do they hold you up in the water and give you toys and tell you to splash? No! They never scrub your butt for you or anything, all because you got older!

Okay, the baby-food-dropping thing is nice, but otherwise your parents are just big old hippo-people, and I don’t appreciate that I can’t poop in the house but babies can. It’s not fair!

I love you, but you gotta talk to your mom about this!
Jamie (your favorite and only Spaniel)

Furniture stealing creep!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I am MAD! HISSING, SPITTING, MAD!!! I’m so mad that when I am done typing I am going to claw up EVRYTHING in this whole house!

How DARE you let your parents change the furniture! Who do you think you people are??? The phrase FUR-niture is your first and only hint. It belongs to animals, more specifically, ME.

You took my comfy chair, my purr-fect couch, and my ottoman. WHY??? Because of a few scratches? Because the fluff stuff was coming out???

THAT is what made that furniture interesting! Once I had properly marked all of it and put my special decorative touches on it those pieces finally looked INTERESTING! They were comfortable!

Think about it: when your parents first bought the couch it was all, “Don’t eat on the couch!” and, “Don’t put your shoes on the couch!” and “Who spilled something?” They were CRAZY!

Once I added my special finesse and made the couch unique, they didn’t care anymore! You could finally enjoy it!


YOU let them remove it and buy some new yucky stuff that does not feel right to my claws AT ALL.

WORSE, you let them put that dumb spray on it, the stuff I don’t like! It won’t keep me away forever, and when I DO get to the new couch, your mom is NOT gonna like it!

PAYBACK Baby Kitten!

I’m not saying sincerely or anything at the end of this. You’ll find my closing after I hack it up in your shoes. ALL OF THEM.

Furniture-stealing creep!
Unkind regards,

Are clothes a drug?

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Why are humans so weird about clothes? Why aren’t they proud of their fur? They pluck their fur, wax their fur, and shave their fur! Why not just let the fur grow longer? Then you wouldn’t have to wear clothes at all!

Your mom gets CRAZY over clothing! She has you wear different clothes for school, different clothes for bed, different clothes for play, different clothes if your grandparents are coming, and different clothes for the beach. It’s too much!

You spend so much time changing clothes that you barely get to spend time with me! It’s not fair, I already have to share you and your brother with school, why can’t you just wear your own fur and be done with it?

Before you say I’m wrong, I’m not! Your mom spent HOURS cleaning out her closet. She put a bunch of stuff in donate bags, looked at the empty(ish) closet and said it looked better. THEN she went and bought MORE CLOTHES! It doesn’t make any sense!

Clothes and shoes are taking over our house! There’s shoes on the stairs, shoes in the living room, shoes by the back door, and even shoes under the dining table where I store my tennis balls! When I tried to help your mom get rid of these crazy shoe-rabbits by eating your mom’s tennis shoes the other night she got upset!

How does that make any sense? How is her “favorite pair” any different than the ones she put in the donate bag?

OOH! Do you think your mom has an addiction? Is this an issue and you just didn’t want to tell me?

I saw something about addiction when your mom and dad were watching television. Every time the person quit their drugs they still went back and got more. Are clothes a drug?

WAIT! Am I on drugs? Your mom has to give me thunder chews every time a storm is coming, and I take a heartworm medicine every month. And I get excited ‘cuz they’re like extra treats and they make me feel good! Am I addicted too?

I don’t want to be addicted! I don’t want to wear clothes! I love my fur! This is not good at all!

Come home soon, and bring bacon!

Rat power rules the school!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Dogs are GROSS! I cannot believe your dog sent Olivia a letter to telling her to smell everyone’s pee when she gets to middle school!


I know she’s your big sister and always tries to protect you and stuff, but this time I think that you need to protect her. Protect her from the dog’s dumb advice!

Pee does not make you popular. RATS. Rats make you popular!

Look baby kitten, when I march through the house with a dead rodent on my mouth, who do YOU think is in charge? Your mom? Nope. Your dad? Nope? Your sisters? Definitely nope!

Everyone screams and jumps up and down. Why? Because they’re cowards! I’m the one who chases the rats, the lizards, and the bugs that try to invade the house.

The dogs bark at the invaders. Big deal! They don’t actually do anything. Nope. It’s all me, baby!

If I didn’t chase and catch the critters, your house would be infested. That’s why everyone screams. They’re helpless without me!

That’s why showing everyone you can catch a rat is the ONLY way to be cool in middle school.

Tell your sister that on the very first day of middle school she has to walk through those school doors with a big, fat, juice-oozing rat in between her teeth. Make sure she turns her head so that everyone up and down every hallway can see her.

Once she hears the screaming start she will KNOW that she has been noticed. They will talk about her for years! Now THAT’S how you get to be cool in middle school!

There is an ancient cat saying, “They who control the rats control the humans.”

Remember to be cool in school use Rat Power, baby kitten! You are welcome!

LuLu-the Coolio—Calico Cat

Cars are bad!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Why in the name of Garfield does Jamie want traffic? She’s been blathering on about wanting a car and traffic and flopping ears. She thinks that a car is a happy thing!

Cars are a menace! Every time I have been in the car, it has only brought me pain. Cars only go to one place—the vet! Do you want to get shots or have bubble wands put up your backside? Does that sound like fun to you???

And let’s talk about the journey itself—pure torture! Your mom & dad put me in this stupid “carrier” like I don’t know how to walk, then they seatbelt it in like I’m some sort of infant. Insulting!

Then, after completely humiliating me, they start to drive. THAT is where the traffic shows up.

People honk and screech at each other. Plus, your mom plays those horrible songs on the radio (seriously, are they strangling rabbits? What the heck are those sounds anyway? Nothing is relaxing about those songs I don’t care WHAT your mom says!)

Then, because there is so much cruelty in the world, the trip gets worse. Your mom starts to sing with the songs. Oh, sweet Tom & Jerry, make it stop!!!

There are certain sounds only cats and dogs can hear. There are also certain sounds cats and dogs should NEVER hear. Your mom’s singing is one of them!

The point of this particular letter is to tell you that no matter what that doofus dumbo dog tells you, cars are bad. If you get a car, then you get vet visits and terrifying traffic. It’s not worth it.

Stay home and nap instead!
Your friend,

LuLu Cat