Tag: humor

Leg-lifting liberation!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 1 Comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Maybe this is my doggieness talking, but why are humans so picky about going to the bathroom?

The other day when you were all in the car your mom started “looking” for rest areas because you said you needed to pee. What’s to look for? There’s grass everywhere!

Now me, I can tinkle as soon as I leave the car, even if it’s just on the street! Are you kind of shy, maybe? Do you get embarrassed at the thought of peeing with everyone looking? You really shouldn’t!

Humans are weird. Just. Plain. Weird. You have a lot of terms for going to the bathroom. None of them make sense. Why would you spend a penny just to pee? Why would a lady powder her nose instead of just relieving herself? Face it, no matter how you phrase it, we know what you mean. You need to go outside and go potty.

Look, peeing is a normal thing. Sometimes it’s a quick squirt and other times it’s a real leg-lifter! The trick is to go when you gotta go, get it? Whether it’s relieving yourself on your mom’s new couch or changing the color of the grass outside, it happens to everyone! So long as you’re upstream, you’re okay! 

Why lie to your parents or classmates? Instead of asking if you can stop the car for a minute, or even asking if you can take a time out “real quick”, just pee wherever you are. Everyone says that dog pee smells, and it does, but not in a bad way. It gives a lot of messages for other dogs like which dog has been where and what they had for dinner.

And I bet that if you smelled someone else’s pee you would learn a lot about them as well! You should try it, really! From now on promise me that you will pee wherever you want! You will be relived to be relieved, and that’s nothing to shake a fetching-stick at!

Love you lots!
Jamie the Spaniel

Grumbling is smiling for some!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 1 Comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

What simpleton let that dog get into the coffee? The pest-hound was running around for hours the other day! She nipped, yipped, and flopped at us cats as if were common house pets! Then your mom came home and realized Jamie had eaten a bunch of coffee grounds and she carried that stupid pest to the vet’s office!

Apparently, the veterinarian made Jamie vomit a bunch. I wish I had seen THAT! Did you know that coffee can kill a dog? I might have to give Jamie some, just to check. If it’s a science experiment, then it’s legal, right???

Jamie said that she had solved the issues with riots and protesters by announcing a grand plan to force everyone to sit down at what she called a “coffee summit.”

This is proof that your dumb dog is just that, a dumb dog. This coffee stuff almost killed her and now she want to share the poison with everybody to “make them happy.” Sounds kind of twisted to me!

Fixing world issues is not as simple as coffee. As I have mentioned before it requires fish, but even fish will not be enough with some humans.

Some humans are out getting loud because no one listened to them when they were quiet, so they don’t know what else to do. Coffee definitely won’t be better than being heard (especially if it’s toxic), so it’s not gonna help much.

Other humans aren’t fighting for anything, they’re just miserable people who just want to fight or stay miserable. They’re out there you know.

That’s probably hard for a baby-human-kitten like yourself to understand, but there are weirdos who are only happy when they’re unhappy. Kind of like those bullies you had to deal with, am I right? They only felt good when someone else felt bad. That’s kind of messed up.

Here’s the deal kiddo. Don’t run away with this or anything, but I might, on RARE occasions care about you. Before you get excited, if it’s between you and a case of fresh fish, you’re history, but if I don’t have to choose I would let you stay and watch me eat.

(You can’t have any of the fish, so don’t take this too far…actually, now I’m wanting fish, so I had better wrap this up.)

The whisker I’m trying to curl here is that YOU have to be YOU, and if someone else tries to make you feel that you are less than what you are because they’re a miserable twerp, just hiss loudly and then swipe ‘em and walk away.

Sure, you might get some strange looks, but nobody messes with a cat more than once. At least not if they want to sleep with their eyes closed!

You’re welcome, baby kitten, you’re welcome!
LuLu

Dogs can’t have coffee, but they want to!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 1 Comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

HI OLIVIA!

I WAS GOING THROUGH THE TRASH. You know the trash right? I don’t mean that you KNOW the trash. It’s not like you’ve been introduced or anything. But I mean that you know what I mean when I mention trash, right?

So anyway I was smelling all the wonderful smells and chewing on a paper towel when I started chomping on that WONDERFUL stuff your mom calls COFFEE! COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE I LOVE COFFEE!

I don’t know why your mom puts it in the coffee pot ‘cause the old wet coffee grains were FANTASTIC!

The coffee filter was like an amazing chewy cookie! No cup required!

I LOVE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The VET, however, did NOT want me to have coffee, so I had to go in and she gave me yucky stuff that made me vomit. It was NOT as much fun as eating the trash.

By the way, what does “toxic” mean? Sounds like a human code for don’t-share-with-the-dog.

So, like, the whole world peace thingy would go faster if everyone drank coffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee! Your human juice makes me happy (well, it did, for a minute, before your mom freaked out), and it would make everyone happy, and we could all be happy together!

The next big gathering when everyone is arguing and getting all cranky, just bring out the coffee! The smell rivers up through your nose and flows to your brain and then you start to smile. Then you swallow some and KAPOW! Happiness!

If all the humans sat down and shared some really, really, good coffee, then everyone would get along forever (or until the coffee runs out!)

I have to go run around in circles now. I can’t wait to get some more of this stuff. Your mom says it’s not going to happen, but there has to be a way. She’s going to slip up and throw out coffee grounds again one of these days, and I’m gonna eat it just like I ate your dad’s underwear. I’m going through the garbage every hour of every day for the rest of my life!

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your favorite Jamie,

Jamie

OH—The letter’s from me. Jamie. The dog. The cute young one, not the old grumpy one. The one you like who talks. Gotta run!

Friendship comes from wagging your tush!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Your mom and dad were talking about some grumpy people they saw when they were at the post office. It seems like a lot of humans are grumpy these days! Does being human automatically make people unhappy? Is it a tail thing? If it is you can tell me, I won’t mind, honest!

See, dogs use tail language, and dogs are happy people (well, happy dogs)—at least most of us are! Think about it: we meet someone new, preferably someone with bacon, and our tails wag super fast, Whap! Whap! Whap! It sounds loud, like when your mom is banging a jar against the counter to get it to open.

When I think you’re upset, I do a subtle wag that sounds more like thud, thud, thud! It sounds like a slower heartbeat and kind of like a reminder to you that you and your family are my heart.

If my tail stands straight up, it’s standing at attention! I am alert and ready for whatever is about to happen, whether it’s a tree kitten/squirrel trying to invade our yard or a garbage collector trying to steal our garbage!

And if my tail is down, well, you know, I might have done something a little naughty or cat-like. I don’t mean to knock stuff over, but my legs seem to split away from me sometimes! Seriously! My chest goes one way but my legs go the other, I can’t control it!

See, my tail tells everyone what’s going on, like whether I’m friendly or not. But humans don’t have tails. Tails never lie. Humans do sometimes.

Sometimes a person smiles at you, but says something that makes you cry. But other times a friend says something that sounds mean that makes you laugh. It’s confusing! There’s no tail language to warn you what’s coming!

Maybe humans should waggle their butts more. That would help! Try it!

The next time you go to school and you want to make a new friend, walk right up to him and then bark once, turn around, and swishy swishy your tushy in his face! He’ll love you for it and you’ll be best friends forever! No more grumpiness!

That’s the answer isn’t it? If more people wagged their butts in public there would be less grumpiness, I’m sure of it! For someone LuLu calls a “dumb dog”, I’m pretty smart, right?

I love you, now start wagging!

Jamie

Cat swiping/griping=love

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I heard that stupid Jamie-dog was going on about love and how dogs love people. Yech. Who cares???

Everyone loves cats, and that’s what’s important. We also love ourselves.

Cats are magnificent, marvelous, mystical, and other words that start with M!

We are the ulltimate status symbol—to ourselves, not to you humans. We don’t care what you humans think.

As cats we want only one thing—well, two things. One: We want every living creature to recognize, acknowledge, and bow down to our feline superiority. Two: We want tuna, shrimp, or any type of edible fish. Get on that. NOW.

Sure, dogs bark and scare away burglars, but have you ever thought of what burglars are called? CAT burglars, named for their weak imitation of our stealth-paw ninja skills. Criminal masterminds understand that to be truly successful, to be superior at stealth, they must imitate cats. Our feline perfection defects major detection.

You may ask yourself if cats love humans? Yes and no. We love ourselves first, naturallment! But sometimes, if a human is lucky, and prefereably if they have a warm, squishy lap and a soft voice, we cats might—ever so reluctantly—deign to love our humans.

It is important to remind the humans WHO is in charge. The occasional yowling at 3a.m. or random claw-swiping helps humans to remember that we are their bosses. But yes, some humans receive our love.

We even love you, human money-child, but that is mostly because you need us. My fellow calico cat Trixie and I have come to understand that your days at school with all of those bullies and torture sessions called “phys ed” would be hell-on-Earth if you did not have our feline favor to look forward to at the end of the day. Although I prefer a good old-fashioned swiping-and-griping, the occasional lap cuddles sessions are not totally offensive.

So yes, I guess that cats love too. Sometimes. Now go fetch me a tuna!
LuLu

Bullies are just jealous!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

The stupid pest-dogs told me that you were getting bullied. Now, as a cat, I do not understand why you would let anyone bully you. The only one who gets to pick on you is ME. But still, I guess when you’re away from home there isn’t much you can do. Or is there?


As a cat, I have learned to combine my lightning ninja skills with my superior acting prowess. Sometimes I use my retractable razor-claws to make others bleed their way into submission. I randomly ninja-swipe anyone who walks past my hidey-hole. The screams turn my purrs into throaty, velvety laughter!

Yet, once in a while, not too often, I need the sympathy of those kinder, gentler, and stupider beings who hold the key to happiness: the can opener. Yes, I’m talking about your parents. They mean well but they really are quite gullible, aren’t they?

So, on rare yet festive occasions, such as when I have broken something your mom really, really likes, I wait until your mom or dad has run into the room, and I roll around and around on the floor and cry pathetically. Did I mean to smash your mom’s vase? Absolutely! But why not get some treats and dog-blaming while I’m at it?

You see, I never roll and yowl until the dogs come in to see what has happened; THEN I let my acting skills kick in!  I arch my back and hiss at the dogs and make my eyes big in my “they scared me” routine.

Your parents shoo the dogs away and then your mom picks me up in an admittedly-not-awful cuddle hug. She walks me to my countertop and gives me tantalizing turkey treats. Sometimes she even tells the dogs to get out of the kitchen and leave me alone!

OKAY, so CLEARLY I am fabulous, but how does that apply to you and your sister?

See, bullies are going to exist whether you do the right thing or not. It stinks to get picked on (not that I’d know, I’m usually on the other side of things) but why not have some fun with it?

Instead of playing it SAFE, play it SMART.

Record what happens by turning on your phone-thingy and putting it in your pocket before you walk down the hall. Stop trying to act all brave. Ask for help already! We all know you’re brave. We’ve seen the way the bus driver steers the bus, you HAVE to be brave just to ride the bus to school and home again!

Give the recording to your parents. Admit that you need help. You can trust your parents. They’re dumb and a bit naïve, but they love you. And they buy food, bonus! And remember that whatever the bully says isn’t true.

Bullies try to hurt people because they’re damaged. Your mom calls them toxic. They hit you or say bad words, and the words all seem to be like these weird arrows that open up every bubble of fear or sadness inside you. Bullies have had a lot of target practice and are used to shooting down souls. Don’t let them get away with it.

Every time a bully says something mean and the words start to bleed on your heart, think about how you would feel if they said the same thing to your mom and dad or even your sister. Would you believe those words then? Would you let your family hit themselves over and over with bad words, or would you fight to help them break those word-arrows?

Come on, we both know the answer. You would never let anyone hit your mom and dad’s targets. And they don’t want anyone to hit yours. Don’t let bullies own you, and don’t let them change you.

Mind you, I still think razor-sharp claws would take care of the problem double-quick, but the dogs say you can’t hit back. So you’re gonna have to hit them with your mind. Me personally, I think the bullies are jealous.

You’re different, sure, but your family loves you and they show up to everything. EVERYTHING. Even when they embarrass you and act like their silly-selves, they always come to school events and band practices and plays and rehearsals. You can’t really get away from those weirdos, am I right?

But, have you noticed? You never see the bully-kids at anything. They aren’t at the plays or the carnivals. Your mom said she’s never seen their parents at all either.

Do you think the bullies are just jealous because you’re loved so much?

Then again, maybe the bullies are just jealous because you have the world’s most attractive, most intelligent calico cat to rule over you. Heck, I’d be jealous of me if I wasn’t myself!

For the record kiddo, you may be one can short of a tuna case, but you’re family and I’ll scratch anyone, any time, just for you. Heck, I may do that anyway.

Love from your favorite feline,

LuLu

Bullies do NOT understand Love!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment
A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

Last night your mom was sad because she read an article about folks who were mean just because someone was from a different place. I even heard that some people don’t like each other because they look different.

That’s dumb. I mean, I know people think I’m not smart because I’m a dog, but I know dumb stuff. I’m really smart about dumb stuff!

I’m a brown and white dog. Babbie is a tan and white dog. I’m big, she’s little. So what? We both chase our tails and bark when someone goes past our window, so we both know what is important!

I don’t care if Babbie is different! I don’t care if YOU are different!

I know some girl made fun of you because you are short with brown hair, but I think you are beautiful. Especially when you have bacon. Then you are EXTRA beautiful!

I think that human-people are kind of stupid. They get picky about what someone looks like or how much stuff you have, but seriously, how much stuff do you need? Isn’t it what’s in your lunch box that matters?!

For us dogs it’s all about smell. Other animals smell right or they smell wrong. That’s all there is to it. If it smells wrong, it IS wrong. And if someone smells like a bully, then they’re a bully. Listen to your nose. And your gut. Those are the truth-tellers in life.

You and your brother have had to deal with a LOT of bullies lately. Bullies are stupid. They’re also sad. Something is wrong with anyone who has to chew someone else’s chowder. Just sayin’.

I know that doesn’t help when they’re picking on you. It stinks. It stinks that I cannot be there to bite them for you. Maybe you should bite them instead? Biting teaches a lesson. A brilliant, painful lesson.

True fact: Bullies don’t understand love. They don’t understand that sometimes massive cuddle hugs smother you but make you feel warmer too. You need other people and dogs, and they need you too. So don’t stop loving.

You be YOU girlfriend! Oh–and offer bacon. Bacon makes everything better!


Love,

Jamie

Dogs=World peace! You’re welcome!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ 2 Comments

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m tired today. So tired. I’m a dog, so I guess I’m what your mom calls dog-tired. Weary world, weary dog, weary me.

For the last few days that crazy cat LuLu has been pouncing on everything and pretending she’s using a chainsaw. She says that she’s getting one in her Easter basket. I hope that’s not true!

There’s a whole lot wrong in the world right now and giving a cat a chainsaw is NOT gonna help!

Your mom and dad looked really worried when they watched the news last night. A lot of bad-sad stuff is going on. You know why? Because people ignore their dogs.


Think about it: when you rub our bellies, we wag our tails, and you smile. When you ignore us, we don’t wag our tails, so no one smiles. Simple, right?

The key to the world’s problems is to love a dog. Dogs love you no matter what.


When you have a rough day at school your mom gives you a hug and that’s okay, but I bring you a toy. We play fetch and soon you’re laughing!

When you don’t like what’s for dinner and you “drop” it on the floor, I rush in to eat it. Your mom doesn’t have time to scold you because I already cleaned it! Finito! Or is it frito? I’m not sure. Frito is food, and food is better.

Dogs are better. You got a bad report card and I brought you a toy. You got mad and threw it and I brought it back. You laughed and threw it again. Problem solved!

Your mom was grading papers and she was putting red marks all over them! The red marks made her mad and she got close to being monstery-thingy-mom again. Then I tried to sit in her lap. She said I was too big, so she sat on the floor and played with me for a while. Afterwards she finished the papers but was less grumbly. Crisis avoided!

See, the world gets unhappy cuz too many people focus on money and stuff instead of wagging tails and floppy ears. Hugs and snuggles make everything better.

There, the world’s problems are solved! Adopt a dog and everything will be better! Well, YOU don’t need to adopt because you have ME, but everyone else would do well to go to the shelters.

Think about it: you can’t hold a gun if you’re busy throwing a ball!

World peace, you are welcome!
Love,

Jamie

P.S. Do NOT let anyone get that crazy calico a chainsaw!!!

Cats need chainsaws!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Ethan,

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Since you have been making out a wish list for Easter presents, I’d like for you to add a special present just for me. For Easter I would like a chainsaw. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and it is not only a practical gift but a fun one as well. All cats should have chainsaws.

With a chainsaw I could do lots of useful things. You have a few trees in your yard that are each at least hundred feet high. I could chop them down (with your dad’s help, of course) and use the wood to make my own cat palace. I could also use the chainsaw to keep stray animals out of yard.

Think about it and you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.Would YOU willingly enter a yard that has a chainsaw-wielding cat out front? No, you would not!

Those dumb dogs you insist on keeping are constantly arguing with me over who gets the part of the couch that’s next to the sunny front window. Once I have my chainsaw, I can saw out a cat-sized section to stay near the window, and your mom can put the dogs’ section of the couch somewhere else—preferably in another state.

Those Pests certainly won’t chase me once they see my shiny chainsaw blades moving! I’ll finally have some serious power around here! I’m going to name my chainsaw “The Peacemaker” ‘cause it’s gonna end a lot of fights really fast.

Okay, I’m getting too excited, so I’d better go take a nap. Remember to add CHAINSAW to your list!

Your pal & favorite calico cat,

LuLu

Skip adulting, become a dog!

~ cmcelvanbellsouthnet ~ Leave a comment

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
12Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

The cats told us that your brother Ethan got a bad report card-thingy. That stinks. The teacher stinks. Grades stink. School stinks. You should stay home all of the time, with me. That would be awesome. It is hard being a dog in a human-adult and cat-run world. Adults are ridiculous. Cats are ridiculous. Only dogs like me are worth listening to.

Adults work all day to buy a good home and good food. Work takes all day, which means that they are never at home to enjoy it or eat the good food. Even if they work online, they stay shut in one room all day. At the end of the day, they are too tired to eat or enjoy where they are.

On the weekend, adults do extra chores. Chores to clean the house, the house that they don’t get to enjoy because they are always working. Sounds dumb to me!

I know people think I am stupid, but I am kind of smart. I know that if you have a good home, you should enjoy it. Play ball more. Scratch your ears. Roll in the grass. Do you ever see adults doing those important-type thingys? Nope!

Over the weekend, your mom and dad dug a lot of holes. I helped. I’m great at digging! When they were done, did they roll around in the dirt? NO! They put plants where the holes had been dug. They put new dirt from bags into the holes they had just made in the old dirt. And I am the one who is stupid? Why work all that time to dig a hole that you are going to fill back up?

I think being a dog is a lot better than being an adult. Don’t grow up. Stay a human-puppy and roll in the dirt with me. Lick your paws and chase your tail. That is the key to happiness.

For a “dumb ol’ dog,” you have to admit that I’m pretty smart, am I right?

Skip school & stay home with me! Love from your favorite English Springer Spaniel,

Me, Jamie