Dear Ethan, my beautiful, wonderful boy!

Oh My Garfield!!!! The dogs have been banished from the living room! YESSSSSSSS!!!

For YEARS I have wanted to be rid of those slobber slobs, those heinous hounds, those draconian dogs with their biting and yapping, and now they are gone! Poof!

Well, not really gone, but your mom put up gates that keep the dogs out of the living room and the upstairs. Something about safety and chaos, yada, yada, yada, BUT, more importantly, that means that Trixie and I have half of the house to ourselves!!!

Okay, you guys can stay, only ‘cuz you feed us. But this is awesome!!!

Catch this: Last night I swiped food of of your dad’s plate. It takes a subtle paw and the right timing. Easy peasy. You wait until he’s telling one of those roll-your-eyes dad jokes. He’s so busy trying not to laugh that he can’t focus on anything else, then you just work your paw over the table rim until it hits plate and you’re golden!

Sometimes you get one of those disgusting vegetable-things, but sometimes you hit the carnivore jackpot like a whole steak or a piece of chicken!

So anyways, last night I worked my magic. Your dad was in tears trying not to lose it before he told the punchline. I had been sitting on his lap because when your mom serves chicken, you gotta be ready!

So, I reached up, all subtle-like, crept my velvety paw over, and WHAM! POW! CHICKEN LEG!!! BOO-YA! I grabbed it and ran like a cheetah on the savannah!

As I ran from the table your dumb dog started her rabies-act. You know the one! She started yowling and snarling, and she was chasing me through the dining room. Then-BONK! GATE! She smashed clean into the gate! IT WAS EPIC!!!

I ran up the stairs to my favorite overlook and watched as everyone crowed around the big dummy to see if she was okay. I chomped on that chicken leg like I was eating popcorn at the movies! It was some seriously funny entertainment!

Plus, by the time your mom had taken care of Jamie, I had finished the chicken. All she got back from me was a bare bone, Baby Kitten, ‘cuz that is how I roll! Grab & run, meat & eat, it’s all my thug life can handle! YES, I am that cool.

Now, all this typing has me wondering what’s for dinner. Why doesn’t your mom cook at 2a.m.? I’m up typing, it’s the least she could do.

Oh well, see you at the dinner table!
LuLu

Dear Ethan,

HMPH. I am not pleased. Not only did you not give me a place at the table, but you had the nerve to shut me in a room while your grandmother’s stupid dog was at the house! An invader, an INTRUDER, comes to MY home and you expect me to hide?!? I could take down that 70 pound baby, no problem!

Admit it! You were scared I was gonna pulverize that stupid, slobbery creep! And what is the deal? That dog put slobber everywhere! It was on your clothes and on the walls—it was even on the piano! You said it was a boxer, but there is no way that thing can box! It would slip in its own slime! YECH!

Despite the horror of that situation, you have put a new tree in the living room. The lights make my eyes go wide as I stare at them. It’s like they are calling to me, signaling me in for a landing as they blink on and off and back on again. This gift pleases me.

I am also pleased by the many bright toys you have hung for me. The balls and little creatures on strings are not as delicious as the tree is, but they have possibilities. I was able to bat at some of them, but I would like more please/thank you/NOW.

Fish flavored ornaments would be greatly appreciated. You owe me after the turkey thing. By the way, that “so called” Rat King from the Nutcracker did not taste like rat AT ALL. False advertising!

Get to work on those ornaments and I will forgive you!
LuLu

P.S. Why is your mom claiming the new ornaments are shatterproof? Trust me, they’re not!

Dear Ethan,

I’m feeling a little upset.

First LuLu & Trixie dumped water on your mom’s laptop and blamed me, OKAY, I am used to taking all the blame because those cats think they are sooooooo clever.

But last night LuLu told me you are letting her sit on the table and eat turkey on Thanksgiving!!! THIS CAN’T BE REAL!!!!

I have to beg under the table for scraps, so why are you giving her a seat and her own meal??? You’re not even putting her at the kids’ table, you’re putting her with the adults where the gravy and the good stuff is kept!!! I am devastated, sad, discouraged, dismayed, and lots of other words. I WANT TURKEY TOO!!!

Think about it, she eats roaches and spiders and other buggy stuff. I eat meat and cheese and bacon. I love me some bacon!!! Your mom puts bacon in everything, you know that! She puts it in her cajun corn and in her brussel sprouts. She even puts it in her scones!!!

And in case you have forgotten, she made a candied bacon dessert last year! She makes bacon jam for burgers and the whole house smells like bacon! So, I am clearly the one who should be at the adult table!

Your mom bought five packages of bacon, and she has already made dishes with most of it. This means that bacon, NOT TURKEY, is the main ingredient, so by a legal loophole I should be the one to sit at the big table! (You should not have left the t.v. on last night, those Law & Order episodes I watched are gonna come in handy!)

The way I see it, you have two choices.

One: You can let LuLu sit at the table with your family and eat turkey, and I will find a lawyer who speaks dog. I have rights!!!

Two: You can let me sit at the table instead of LuLu and give me turkey. Or bacon. Or turkey and bacon! I heard there’s turkey bacon, is that true? How does that work? Are there feathers???

You could just give me bacon and we can call it even. I love bacon. Although, for the record, I also love you. You are my best friend. Friends share, right? Just wondering!

See you at the dinner table!
Jamie

Dear Ethan,

Explain all of this to me. So next week we are going to have several days of turkey, am I right? This both intrigues and concerns me. Having a large bird is a great idea, but why did your mom only order ONE? What exactly will you all be eating? The turkey is MINE. Got that? MINE.

I have spent YEARS guarding you people! Whenever a bug comes into the house, I catch it for you. Sure, I let it go once in a while, but can you honestly tell me that snacks don’t taste better when you have played with them a little?

You let the spider go, it tries to get away, you catch it again, chomp on it a little, and it gets all yummy-wriggly in your mouth. That’s how food should be, not dead and boring!

Every day, and I mean every day, I sit on the piano in that great spot where the sunlight comes through the window. I watch the birds, the squirrels, and the local peasants walking their dogs. I ick-ick as fast as I can to warn you about these horrible creatures. And do you thank me? NO!

You tell me how cute I am. Your mom called me sweet! SWEET!!! I am a force of nature, a ferocious feline warrior, not some boring lap cat! Yes, I allow scritch-ums on my head, but only because I get paid for my tolerance with crunchy treats! ONE TURKEY, with all I have gone through for you people????

THIS WILL NOT STAND. As soon as the turkey hits the table it is MINE!!! YOU’LL SEE!!! I will not be mollified or distracted! Turkey vengeance will be mine!!!

You have been warned!
LuLu