Bacon loopholes

Dear Ethan,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I’m feeling a little upset.

First LuLu & Trixie dumped water on your mom’s laptop and blamed me, OKAY, I am used to taking all the blame because those cats think they are sooooooo clever.

But last night LuLu told me you are letting her sit on the table and eat turkey on Thanksgiving!!! THIS CAN’T BE REAL!!!!

I have to beg under the table for scraps, so why are you giving her a seat and her own meal??? You’re not even putting her at the kids’ table, you’re putting her with the adults where the gravy and the good stuff is kept!!! I am devastated, sad, discouraged, dismayed, and lots of other words. I WANT TURKEY TOO!!!

Think about it, she eats roaches and spiders and other buggy stuff. I eat meat and cheese and bacon. I love me some bacon!!! Your mom puts bacon in everything, you know that! She puts it in her cajun corn and in her brussel sprouts. She even puts it in her scones!!!

And in case you have forgotten, she made a candied bacon dessert last year! She makes bacon jam for burgers and the whole house smells like bacon! So, I am clearly the one who should be at the adult table!

Your mom bought five packages of bacon, and she has already made dishes with most of it. This means that bacon, NOT TURKEY, is the main ingredient, so by a legal loophole I should be the one to sit at the big table! (You should not have left the t.v. on last night, those Law & Order episodes I watched are gonna come in handy!)

The way I see it, you have two choices.

One: You can let LuLu sit at the table with your family and eat turkey, and I will find a lawyer who speaks dog. I have rights!!!

Two: You can let me sit at the table instead of LuLu and give me turkey. Or bacon. Or turkey and bacon! I heard there’s turkey bacon, is that true? How does that work? Are there feathers???

You could just give me bacon and we can call it even. I love bacon. Although, for the record, I also love you. You are my best friend. Friends share, right? Just wondering!

See you at the dinner table!


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