Plans for turkey vengence!

A cat typing at a computer.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

Explain all of this to me. So next week we are going to have several days of turkey, am I right? This both intrigues and concerns me. Having a large bird is a great idea, but why did your mom only order ONE? What exactly will you all be eating? The turkey is MINE. Got that? MINE.

I have spent YEARS guarding you people! Whenever a bug comes into the house, I catch it for you. Sure, I let it go once in a while, but can you honestly tell me that snacks don’t taste better when you have played with them a little?

You let the spider go, it tries to get away, you catch it again, chomp on it a little, and it gets all yummy-wriggly in your mouth. That’s how food should be, not dead and boring!

Every day, and I mean every day, I sit on the piano in that great spot where the sunlight comes through the window. I watch the birds, the squirrels, and the local peasants walking their dogs. I ick-ick as fast as I can to warn you about these horrible creatures. And do you thank me? NO!

You tell me how cute I am. Your mom called me sweet! SWEET!!! I am a force of nature, a ferocious feline warrior, not some boring lap cat! Yes, I allow scritch-ums on my head, but only because I get paid for my tolerance with crunchy treats! ONE TURKEY, with all I have gone through for you people????

THIS WILL NOT STAND. As soon as the turkey hits the table it is MINE!!! YOU’LL SEE!!! I will not be mollified or distracted! Turkey vengeance will be mine!!!

You have been warned!


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