Popularity comes from Pee-mail!

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Olivia,

I was gonna tell you that I’m too tired to type today, but I’d have to type that to tell you, wouldn’t I? All these past few weeks I have typed letters using my dog paws—it’s not easy! But you never type a letter to me. Sure, you talk to me and give me extra treats, but, wait…actually never mind. I’d rather have a treat than a letter.

Why are humans weird about the bathroom? I know I asked this before, but it has gotten STRANGE at your house. The older dog Felix is now wearing a diaper.

Your parents call it a wrap, and sometimes it looks like jean shorts and sometimes it looks like camouflage, but nobody is fooled. It’s a diaper.

Why would you let them do this to him? It’s humiliating!

Okay, so he has some health issues and is peeing everywhere, but that is great! Peeing feels good and it has a lot of useful information. If you pee, others can smell it and know all about you.

Heck, if you want to make friends at your middle school next year you should try smelling other girls’ pee when they go to the bathroom!

Seriously, if you start sniffing everyone’s pee you will be the most talked about kid in the school! What a way to make sure everyone knows your name!

Okay, your LuLu Cat is over here saying “gross”, but it isn’t! I do this all the time! This is how I know where the other neighborhood dogs have been, what they’ve been eating, and what’s going on in the world.

It’s kind of like email, only it’s pee-mail!

Smell pee, learn about others, and be popular!!! I bet none of the other human kids will know about this trick, so you will be like a rock star or something!!! You will be famous, all because you smell pee!

No need to talk to others and be all awkward and nervous, just use your sniffer in the bathroom and others will talk to you first. You’ll rule the school!

Anyway, tell your parents that they should let Felix pee all over the house if he needs to. Those diapers are ridiculous. He is much too awesome for that!

Save me some of your sandwich!




Skip adulting, become a dog!

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
12Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

The cats told us that your brother Ethan got a bad report card-thingy. That stinks. The teacher stinks. Grades stink. School stinks. You should stay home all of the time, with me. That would be awesome. It is hard being a dog in a human-adult and cat-run world. Adults are ridiculous. Cats are ridiculous. Only dogs like me are worth listening to.

Adults work all day to buy a good home and good food. Work takes all day, which means that they are never at home to enjoy it or eat the good food. Even if they work online, they stay shut in one room all day. At the end of the day, they are too tired to eat or enjoy where they are.

On the weekend, adults do extra chores. Chores to clean the house, the house that they don’t get to enjoy because they are always working. Sounds dumb to me!

I know people think I am stupid, but I am kind of smart. I know that if you have a good home, you should enjoy it. Play ball more. Scratch your ears. Roll in the grass. Do you ever see adults doing those important-type thingys? Nope!

Over the weekend, your mom and dad dug a lot of holes. I helped. I’m great at digging! When they were done, did they roll around in the dirt? NO! They put plants where the holes had been dug. They put new dirt from bags into the holes they had just made in the old dirt. And I am the one who is stupid? Why work all that time to dig a hole that you are going to fill back up?

I think being a dog is a lot better than being an adult. Don’t grow up. Stay a human-puppy and roll in the dirt with me. Lick your paws and chase your tail. That is the key to happiness.

For a “dumb ol’ dog,” you have to admit that I’m pretty smart, am I right?

Skip school & stay home with me! Love from your favorite English Springer Spaniel,

Me, Jamie