New cat = I hate all of you

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Well, it’s official. I hate you. All of you.

I know that your teacher wants me to type yet another life lesson, but your teacher can go torch her tuna, I am MAD!

How DARE you bring another cat into this house! Who in the halibut do you think you are??? This is not YOUR house, this is MY house!

YES, I have seen that pathetic creature meowing outside in the streets and going through your trash can to find food. And YES, I get that she was outside shaking in the icy sleet get her head pelted with raining ice chips. Catch her and take her to get chip-checked? Fine. Get a vet to look for her (wasting money that should have been spent on me)? Okay, maybe.

BUT KEEPING HER??? Um, NO!!!

There are shelters and rescues for that sort of thing! Do we look like a charity to you? Your parents don’t have enough money to build the fish pond I have asked for, so why would they risk having another mouth to feed?

WORSE, you let her take my room! Oh sure, your parents call it their office, but I nap in there! I play in there! The sun hits the back of the chair perfectly and now that trash-tripping-tarradiddle-trope of a feline is roasting HER backside on what is MY spot!!!

FINE, your stinky teacher wants another Psychology lesson? Let’s remind you all about in group versus out group! I am part of the in group of this family. She is part of the out group, no matter what your parents say. In group means the community that you are a part of and out group means everyone else, especially interlopers. It is natural to resent members of the out group because they might take resources meant for the resources. When humans act that way it’s mean and just plain dumb, but in my case it’s true! You are sharing MY treats and MY laps with that hellish hissing hussy!

I belong here. She doesn’t.

Don’t give me all of that-she’s-family-now malarky. Don’t act like giving me extra attention and treats is going to fix this either. I don’t care that she has no home and no chip. I don’t care that it is cold and snowing or that there are coyotes outside. I especially don’t care that no one claimed her when your mom posted her stupid found poster.

That tramp-cat needs to be lost again! Get her out! I want my room back!!! I’m the ONLY pretty girl here!!!

This is not going to end well for you! You have been warned!!!

In anger,

LuLu the LIVID Calico Cat