About the tree…

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

Dear Ethan,

I am a bit confused. I know that does not seem unusual, but seriously, you have GOT to help me out. When I go outside and lift my leg on a tree you call me a “good dog”. When I lift my leg on that new tree in the living room I hear your mom yell, “Jamie, NO!” in that super scary voice of hers.

WHAT IS THE DEAL??? Tree=toilet! Everyone knows that!

Usually when I grab a stuffed toy from my basket everyone laughs and plays with me. But when I chomped on one of those weird stuffed angel-dealy-bobs on the table, everyone freaked out! IT IS A TOY!!!

Wow–I never thought that I would get mean and shouty like LuLu, but I am upset! I want to be your best friend! I want to play with the new toys! I need a lap and a cuddle!

Why can’t I play with the new toys your mom put out? Why does she keep yelling Christmas? Those are SOCKS hanging on the mantle! Socks are for tug-of-war!

I think you need to take your mom to the vet. She seems really agitated. I mean, I get not wanting to share some toys, but why won’t she share the chocolate with me? She put out all that candy and passed it around to everyone at the table. Everyone but me. Sheesh.

Is Christmas an anti-dog holiday? If so, it needs to be cancelled. The way everyone is running around putting socks on the fireplace and hiding stuff in shopping bags, it does not seem like something with which anyone wants to be involved.

I am confused and concerned, but mostly just concerned. Maybe you could get your mom a de-worming pill? That’s what the doctor gave me to feel better, and it worked! OOOH! Maybe change her food! Dry kibble and plain chicken broth always helps! She’ll thank you for it!

I love you even though you won’t share your chocolate,