Fish with your teeth!

Dear Olivia,

A dog sniffing a laptop and trying to type.
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon

I loved the show about Hawaii you watched on Sunday! I loved the beaches and the waves. Are you going there? Can I go with you?

The kids who were standing on ironing boards in the water had so much fun! Could we try that here? Could we put an ironing board in the bathtub? They call it surfing and it looks amazing!

You asked your mom for a fishing pole. WHY???

I don’t know why you think you need to get a fishing pole just to go fishing. Obviously your parents have forgot to teach you something. Thank goodness I’m here!

When you’re looking at a pond or a river, if you see a fish swimming below the surface, jump in and grab it with your teeth lickety-split. Poles are for lazy people. Think about it: they stand for hours, just getting hungry. Use your teeth. Much faster and better.

Ooh! We could go deep-sea fishing like on the television! Just think of it: a shark swims past, how do you catch it? Can you reel it in with your dinky little pole? No! You have to dive on top of it, grab its fin in your teeth and show it who’s boss.

Since I know you’ll be nervous your first time I can jump in with you. Your mom gets really fussy, and she’d probably say to leave the shark alone. She worries a lot even when she doesn’t need to. She’d be really happy when she sees all that shark meat!

Did she ever tell you that Uncle Hal almost got bitten by a shark while he was on land? Make sure that shark is dead before you go near the mouth!

I’m gonna watch Travel Channel and see if I can pick up any more tips. You go win the lottery so we can pig out at the luau!

Your friend,