All humans are addicts!

A cat typing at a computer.
Letter by Claire McElvaney
Illustration by Vanessa Lennon McElvaney

Dear Ethan & Olivia,

Well, even though your teacher forgot my tuna for today’s letter, I am writing to you anyway because WOW you humans have problems! What is WRONG with you human-people???

Never mind, I already know. You guys are addicts! Seriously! ALL OF YOU!

You’re addicted to sweets, coffee, and pills! I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m a cat!

First, your parents wake up and have coffee. They act all grumpy and mean until they get their brown java bean juice! Then, they suddenly act nicer! Hello—addicted much?

Then they go out of the house and later come home with more coffee!!! Day in and day out it’s coffee, coffee, coffee! You know that coffee is a drug, right? Your mom’s silly Psychology book says that drugs are anything that changes your brain or body. If your parents go from monsters to mouses because of coffee, ergo, coffee is a drug!

But wait—there’s more! Your t.v. has ads for all sorts of rainbow relaxer-style pills! There’s pills if you need to calm down, pills if you need more energy, pills if you can’t go to the bathroom, and pills if you go too much!!! If the pill factories shut down the world would shut down too!

The other day when your mom was watching some stupid show all of these commercials came on one right after the other, and none of them seemed to agree on anything! Some wanted you to sleep more but others wanted you to sleep less. Feeling sad? Grab a pill! So happy that they think you’re manic? Grab a different pill!

Then there’s the food ads!!!

This crunchy snack is just what you’re craving, unless it isn’t! Then you want this sweet cake or that u-mama noodle or the soba soybean surprise. While I respect the concept of having constant yumminess, you human-people have these bizarre extremes where you have to have bright colors and candies on top of perfectly ordinary things plus lots and lots of variety. You’d never make it in the feline world, I can tell you that one for sure!


Humans have never learned to manage emotions and physical urges. It’s way too obvious from all the in-your-face advertising. Let me help you understand why you humans are wrong, baby kitten.


Cats do not need constant food variety. Sure, we don’t mind the occasional extra treat, but our variety is more about toys and mental activities. With food, consistency ensures a clean plate and a semi-clean litterbox. We want our regular diet at regular times. If, on occasion, you have food we want like turkey or chicken, we know how to get it for ourselves. You can’t guard the table every second!


Cats rarely need pills, and then it is only the sickest cats. You humans are so used to using pills that you never even think to try other things first. Sometimes changing a diet, sleeping more, less screen time, or even a bit of exercise can help right your tilted windmill of a mind. But do you try to stretch or get balanced when you have a headache? Nope! You people go straight for the plastic bottle filled with terrible tablets that curl my whiskers when I get near them.

See, cats don’t need a sugar-rush or a tush-tabs because we understand the importance of processing our emotions. If we’re angry, we strike. If you scare us, we bite. If we get sad, we may (may) use you for a quick cuddle. Then we’ll swipe you after so you don’t get too self-important.

If we can’t sleep and it’s 3a.m. we don’t panic and pill-pop! We race around and around the house and knock over a few things until we’re finally exhausted and contented enough to curl back up into our own cushy furry body-woven blanket. I can sleep for HOURS after a good rip and roar around the house!

That’s why we don’t constantly need pills or drinks or desserts. Face it. Cats are just happier than humans!

Is it any wonder that you humans don’t have much in the way of real-world survival skills? You can’t function without pill-popping, coffee-sludge-slurping, and snack time! If you really want to survive, give up your addictions and learn to be a cat. You’ll be much happier baby-kittens!

I’m off for a well-deserved nap!
LuLu the Calico Cat